Please think positive, stay-dry and safe thoughts for all of our family and friends who are stranded in Southeast Texas right now. My grandmother and her gentleman caller friend are the only ones who managed to leave the area. They have been on the road 36 hours straight – especially fun since she has severe fibromyalgia – but they're now almost to Dallas. It took them ten hours just to make it across Houston. They were lucky though… you know, in a really suck-ass way… my aunt and uncle couldn't even leave their neighborhood – traffic was completely blocked on the only road out of there. So they returned home, boarded things up as best they could and are now just waiting. It looks like Houston is going to avoid a direct hit but still, a lot of wind and water headed their way. A lot of Kevin's family is further east. Most of them managed to get a little ways out of harm's way by going north an hour or two, but I keep picturing them surrounded by tall, tall pine trees and freaking out a little.

Rita was originally predicted to plow through Dallas as a category 1, but now it's expected to just brush us as a tropical storm. They're predicting some sucky weather Sunday and Sunday night, tornadoes and thunderstorms, but nothing too too scary. I'm normally totally neurotic about thunderstorms but my brain overloaded sometime yesterday, so now I'm back around to eerie calm.

In other news, I'm um, like going to have a baby. SOON. Unless something really freakish and exciting happens over the next few days, I'm scheduled for an induction one week from today. It'll be 10 days before my due date. Normally I would never agree to be induced early, but my doctor is very conservative about these things and wouldn't want me to do it without an excellent reason. High risk for shoulder dystocia – one of the few truly terrifying, deadly birthing scenarios – is enough of a good reason for me to abandon all of my hippy, wow-man-like-let-nature-do-its-thing ideals. Live baby. That's the goal.

So yeah. I'm tense. Lots of anticipation… waiting for storms, waiting for a whole entire person to pop out of my body, waiting waiting waiting. And it's all coming SOON.

1. I may only be pregnant for another week, maybe ever in my life. That thought is very strange and weirdly sad. As much as I would love to get this massive thing out of my uterus and off of my hips, as much as I look forward to moving back to my own bed and giving up the couch pillow nest, as much as it will be a joy to hold and snuggle and cuddle this new person, I’m trying to savor these last days because I know I’m going to miss being pregnant in a very intense way. In the same way I get homesick for London sometimes, even though I never want to live there again.

2. I wish just ONCE in my life I could remember not to go to the bathroom on my way out the door to go to the doctor. The first thing they always ask me to do is pee in a cup.

3. Nicolaus is smarter than I am. By a lot. I’m not bragging. It’s freaky. Yesterday he instantly solved the puzzle on the back of his kids meal. I’m not sure what age group those things are aimed at, but based on the massive amount of food they included I’m going to guess it wasn’t designed for two year olds. There were pictures of all these little flutes with different patterns of colored dots, turned all different directions. He asked me what the pictures were there for and I told him, “It’s a game. They want you to look at the pictures and figure out which two flutes are exactly the same.” He immediately pointed to one and said, “Oh, this one.”

“And which one is the same as that one?”

He shrugged and pointed to the matching one, further down, turned the other way, “This one.” And he went on eating, like he didn’t just do something that took his 31 year old mother a full minute to figure out.

4. Kevin is awesome. I miss him when he’s sleeping or at work. He’s sleeping right now, and I keep fighting the urge to go wake him up. But he is way behind on sleep for the week, so I’m being good and leaving him alone. His job is sort of dangerous – in the sense that a major error on his part would make the news and possibly cause evacuation of a highly populated 5-mile radius – so being awake enough to calculate stuff and pay close attention is important. I’d feel like such an asshole if he hurt himself or got in trouble for making a big mistake because I just couldn’t let him sleep that extra hour.

5. I am absolutely terrified of labor, delivery, recovery, post partum depression, and breastfeeding. It will all be fine, logically I know that. But the neurons in my brain responsible for yelling “Holy crap!” from time to time are being especially loud and persuasive this week. Because seriously. Holy crap.

Okay, so I just got my REAL email newsletter for this week and I don’t see how theirs is one tiny bit less freaky than mine. (Parenthetical comments are mine)

How your baby’s growing:
Congratulations! Your pregnancy is now considered full term — meaning your baby is developmentally ready to handle life outside the womb. (Babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 weeks are post-term.) Your baby probably weighs a little over 6 pounds at this point and measures between 19 and 20 inches, head to heel. (Hahaha did we say 6? Try 8. Sucker!)

Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don’t be surprised if your baby’s hair isn’t the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children are born blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. (Just don’t be alarmed when everyone assumes this means you’re a slut. This reaction is completely normal.)

• Note: Experts say every baby develops differently — even in the womb. This developmental information is designed to give you a general idea of how your baby is growing. (Don’t try to use this newsletter to get your kid into preschool or anything.)

How your life’s changing:
The next couple of weeks are a waiting game. Use this time to prepare your baby’s nursery or to take care of tasks you may not get around to for a while after your baby’s born. Take naps and catch up on your reading while you can. (Unless you already have a two year old, in which case haha you are so screwed.)

Have you noticed an increase in the frequency or vividness of dreams lately? Anxiety about becoming a parent can fuel a lot of strange pregnancy dreams. (Like ones about having to jump into a tube that’s going to transport you to your new assignment on another spacecraft, only you’re all anxious and worried about the transport tube, because it looks too small and you’re worried that you might not fit and you’re worried that you might freak out because you’re scared of heights and have to jump down like a mile and a half, and there’s this tiny woman there telling you not to worry that it’ll all be fine that you’ll do great and you’re all, “Whatever lady! I’m not some kind of level 5 Yoga master like you are! I’m totally going to freak out in there!” But then finally you jump in and it is a little freaky and uncomfortable, but you totally make it to the other end just fine.)

You may be getting a lot more Braxton Hicks contractions now, and they may last longer and be more uncomfortable. Sometimes — when they start to come frequently (And hurt like a bitch)— you may even think you’re in labor. You might also notice an increase in mucus discharge from your vagina. If you see some “bloody show” (the mucus plug tinged with a tiny amount of blood), labor is probably right around the corner! AAAAAAAA!!!! Shush! Stop saying horrible words!!!! Do I really need to read this??

Congratulations! You’ve just hit a very important milestone: As of this week, your baby is considered full-term. Except not really, because full-term is 38 weeks but at 37 weeks… well, it’s confusing, but your baby is considered full term even though full-term is 38 weeks. You probably never got the hang of the weeks thing anyway, and only knew what week you were because of these emails, so don’t worry about trying to figure it out now.

The size of a watermelon small asteroid capable of generating its own gravitational field, your baby could arrive at any time now. You may be experiencing severe heartburn at this stage of pregnancy, as well as Braxton-Hicks contractions and some general crankiness. You probably don’t find anyone’s jokes about your size all that funny at this point, and you definitely don’t like it when people poke you in the stomach as they grin and say, “Hey, can I poke you in the stomach?”

Here is a helpful checklist of things you need to be sure and worry about before your baby arrives:
* Is your hospital bag packed? If not, um, excuse me, but are you stupid? You’re basically going to make a spontaneous trip to the crappiest hotel ever. Might want to pack a few essentials.

* It’s probably too late because by now you almost certainly don’t have the energy, but a helpful thing to have done last week would have been to cook and freeze numerous meals for the week after the baby arrives.

* Your labor and delivery experience could really suck.

* Everyone wants you to get the drugs.

* Why are you so stubborn? Just take the damned drugs already. That’s why they’re there. Druuuuuuggssssssssss. Taaaake themmmmm.

* Fine, don’t. But don’t whine to this email newsletter when your labor and delivery experience is all painful and shit.

* What if you end up needing a c-section? Are you up for the recovery from that? Plus, it’s surgery! Doesn’t that FREAK you out? Major abdominal S-U-R-G-E-R-Y. Not like LASIC or whatever either – this is the kind where knives go in you.

* Did you eat as well as you could have? Did you take your vitamins every day? Did you drink enough water and sing to the baby and play Mozart and do yoga and everything?

* And you call yourself a mother.

* Breastfeeding. The main thing you need to know about breastfeeding is that soon milk will start coming out of your boobs. It’s also important to note that it’s weird and it hurts a lot and last time it was horrible and you hated it the entire time. But chin up! What are the chances that the same problems will happen again to the same lady with her other child’s sibling? 80%, tops. We’re sure you’ll do fine. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself… just know that if you don’t end up loving breastfeeding this time, you’re a freak and everyone will judge you, starting with the authors of this email newsletter.

* Laptop radiation is very creepy and you probably shouldn’t expose your unborn child to it constantly throughout your pregnancy. Doing so can cause birth defects and long-term brain anomolies ranging from mild aversions to certain foods as an adult to severe problems with anxiety, depression, dry mouth, and infertility. Guess we should have mentioned that earlier. Sorry.

* How will you know you’re really in labor? What if you go into labor and don’t realize it? Until by the time it’s really obvious and you finally go, “Honey, I think it’s time!” you’re like right about to have the baby and your husband ends up delivering the baby in the front seat of a Dodge Caravan on the way to the hospital? Oxyclean will never get that nasty shit out of your floormats we hope you know.

Lastly, be sure and savor these final few weeks (or days!) of your pregnancy. It’s been a long road, and after many magical months of planning and preparing and peeing every fifteen minutes on account of non-stop urinary tract infections, you are really finally almost there. As this realization sinks in, don’t worry if you completely freak out. That’s normal. Talk to your doctor about your concerns over the fact that OH MY GOD MY BABY IS HUGE and how is this EVER GOING TO WORK???

I keep trying to figure out a way to make the “we found you in the garbage” thing sound funny and not sad. In trying to figure that out, I realized that Nicolaus’ constant picking and natural tendency towards smartassness is not well documented here. I should work on that because even though it’s hard to convey, it’s a big, cool part of his mostly serious personality. Unless you see him in person, it’s hard to get from what he says that he really understands jokes and teasing. That’s because he’s very deadpan, but he gets this weird little grin when he knows you’re teasing or when he teases you back. He mostly picks on Kevin.

“I’m going to buy you something Daddy.”

“Cool! What are you going to buy me?”

“A roach.”

“Ew! No, please don’t, roaches freak me out.”

“This roach won’t freak you out. I’m going to just buy you a HUGE ROACH and put him on your shirt.”

“Please don’t.”

“And I WILL. And I will put him on your shirt and you won’t freak out bucus he’s a nice roach.”

“But I’m really scared of roaches.”

“I’m going to buy you one…” And on and on, with that weird little grin the entire time, until Kevin finally has to change the subject because the thought of a roach on his shirt seriously does freak him out.

Yesterday we were headed to meet my mom for lunch when Kevin started saying, “I’m HONGRAY!” in this deep funny loud voice. Nicolaus laughed. Kevin asked him, “Can you say that?”

“No, I can’t.” Nicolaus said matter-of-factly, “I can’t say that bucus my mouth is too little.”

“Are you sure? Come on…. try it… I’m HONGRAY!” Kevin teased.

So Nicolaus took a deep breath and said, “I’m… I’m… hootie!” Then he corrected himself, “No, wait, that’s not right. Try again…”

We’re lucky we didn’t have a wreck as Kevin and I both busted out laughing at his joke. Which of course egged him on. “I’m CAR-ey! No, try again… I’m… I’m… I’m a SIGN! No, sorry sorry, that’s not right…” Now he was just looking at random things he was seeing on the road around him and being a total goof. He made the same joke a hundred times over the next five minutes, “I’m… a flag! No!! That’s not right! See? I can’t say it, my mouth is just too little.”

So yeah. We kind of told him we found him in the garbage one day. That sounds terrible, but I promise he knew we were joking. Whenever we pick on him we also say “Nawwwwwwww” and laugh in a way that’s hard to explain, a way of making sure he’s in on the joke and not taking it seriously. When he brought it up later, it was more like he was proud of letting me know that he knows that’s bullshit because he knows the REAL story. And when he later told me that he was hungry, I busted him: “Hey! You said it! I thought you said your mouth was too little to say that!”

He shrugged, “My mouth just… it just got a little bit bigger.” *grin*

God I love that kid.