Quick update on my way to my parents’ house…

This week Graham…
* Looked at a lot of stuff. Before this week, he would just gaze placidly at whatever happened to be in front of him. This week he realized that wait! There’s more stuff over here, if I turn my head just 10 degrees, there’s like a whole other universe of cool things to look at. And another 10 degrees! Holy shit! Look at THAT. Wow, man, there are like lights and colors and everything in all directions. Between this and the refusal to bathe himself and the screaming at us for no reason, we are concerned that he may be modelling himself after his uncle Tony.
* Made himself absolutely clear on his earlier directive that he is not to be put down for any length of time at all, ever.
* Started making a bunch of really cool ET noises.
* Attempted to create a whole new planet, one very similar to Earth in size, mass, and velocity… a sister planet if you will. Made entirely of bright yellow poop.
* Ignored me when I gazed into his eyes while cradling him to my breast and said – for the hundredth time - DUDE. I cannot feed you if your fists are in your mouth.

And this week I experienced…
* The saddest thing in the world: Watching someone flail about while they are crying and farting at the same time.
* The absolute cutest thing in the world (secretly the entire reason I wanted babies): Watching a tiny person stretch and yawn.
* A glimpse of why people are so obsessed with this breastfeeding crap: Babies make little satisfied humming noises while they eat! Oh my god! Did you know that? Oh wow. I almost don’t hate breastfeeding now.
* Peace: If you ever have a newborn, don’t bathe them in those plastic tubs. Fill up the tub with warm water and get in with them. Hold the baby on his back while he floats and gazes peacefully up at you. Yes, you are about to get peed on but still, a beautiful experience.
* Total betrayal: I campaign for your existance. I carry you for 9 difficult months. Through 105 degree heat! I labor for hours, I almost throw up on the nice labor and delivery nurse, I recover, I breastfeed, I have to buy stuff that comes in a tube which bears the words “sooths cracked nipples”. And WHO DO YOU SMILE AT? You smile at Kevin. Kevin and that motherfucking lamp.

A couple of days ago, Nicolaus came marching into the living room holding something against his chest, behind crossed arms. “Oh no,” he told us, “There was this – there was just a grown up book on my shelf in the TV room. And it’s really only for grown ups.” He held up Finding Nemo, a little golden book, and shook his head at us, “It’s just a wery grown up book, you know?” He slapped it down on the coffee table and turned to leave.

“Why is it a grown up book?”

His eyes widened, “Bucus! Bu-CUSSSS it has grown up pictures in it and it is really. A. Grown. Up. Book.”

“My goodness!” We had to ask him several times before he agreed to open the book and show us exactly why this is a grown up book: It contains a picture of big sharks with sharp teeth. Holy shit. I’m thinking of writing a letter to Pixar. Don’t they know that children are going to read this stuff?

He had me read the book to him several times. If you haven’t seen the movie, the book makes almost no sense… I found myself wanting to add the phrase “for some reason” at the end of every sentence. But Nicolaus was enthralled by it. Which is not to say that he liked it, because he didn’t like it. Sad and stressful things happen throughout the story. But even so, he had me read it over and over.

Wednesday evening, he was across the room playing when he looked over and noticed that Graham was vaguely gazing toward the little book on the coffee table. “Nooooo!” He yelled and raced over, “Graham! That’s a GROWN UP BOOK.” He grabbed it and put a nice, safe Richard Scarry book in its place for Graham to look at instead.

Yesterday he announced that he was going to make another book. A better one. The new book would be okay for little kids with no sharks and no sad or scary parts. It would be called Finding Dory. And it would be a nice book.

A little while later he asked me if there was a movie about Nemo. So like a jackass I admitted that there was and yay guess what! We have it at home. When we got home, we put the movie on. I thought I was so smart for skipping the first part where (SPOILER!!) the mom and all the babies die. But I didn’t skip all the other horribly upsetting grown up parts. If you’re reading this, Nicolaus PLEASE FORGIVE ME. A lot of kids love the hell out of this movie. He ended up curled up on the couch, hugging his mama and crying because Nemo got lost. And because Nemo had to swim through fire. And again when the sharks chased Marlin, that scary angler fish chased them, they got stunkg by jellyfish, swallowed by a whale and almost eaten by a pelican. Oh, and the dentist is scary and hurts people, and the little girl is a fish killer, and the part where the dentist almost throws Nemo in the trash is scary.

Other than that, he loved it.

So this morning he woke me up by jumping on our bed and cheerfully announcing that it was time for us to make our book. Something about me promising that we would make the book when the sun is up… I don’t know, doesn’t sound like something I would promise but whatever. We dragged out of bed and he told me the story and I wrote it down. Then he asked me to draw pictures to accompany the new book while he served as art director and told me what to draw. He insisted that every one in the book had to be SMILING on every page. This is a happy book. None of that sad, Giving Tree-assed crap in this book. (Um, yeah – The Giving Tree is totally on his burn pile. He thought the boy cutting off the branches was bullshit and then when the guy **SPOILER** cuts down the trunk to make a boat, Nicolaus was so totally out of there.)

Satisfied with his new happy book, he then asked to watch the Nemo movie again. So I put it on again, and he cried again and ended up again curled up hugging me on the couch through most of the movie. Again. When it was over, we read his new book and he declared it SO much better than the grown up version.

Finding Dory
Dory is a fish but she doesn’t remember things. Nemo and Marlin you know who they are? They’re fishes. And! Dory is a fish.

And did it work? Yes, it worked! They found Dory!

Coming to theaters Summer 2006.

I’ve been in sort of a posting funk for the last few days. No reason, just not in a posty place, you know, emotionally or whatever. But I was sitting here listening to the Crash Test Dummies when my baby suddenly burst into a fart so loud that he scared himself awake and started screaming and he screamed this special new scream I’d never heard him scream before. But a mother instinctively knows what her baby’s cries mean, and this one meant HOLY HELL WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?? And he screamed that scream until I picked him up and reassured him that it was all okay, shhhhhhh there there my sweet little angel… it was only a scary fart. He relaxed in my arms and went back to sleep.

And if that’s not a reason to start posting again, I don’t know what is.

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