March 7th, 2006
Infant care flow chart
We always cringe whenever people use the term “babysit” when they’re talking to Kevin. He’ll be out somewhere with one of his kids and people will say, “Ahhha you got stuck babysitting today, eh?”
And Kevin is like, no, I’m his dad.
Oooh and then they’re all, that’s not what I heard! On account of your wife is such a whore!
See there? How I just told the internet about me being a prostitute?
Anyway, Kevin is a rare kind of father who just jumps right in and parents on equal footing. He takes his kids places and does things with them, because yeah, why wouldn’t you? He has an amazing instinct for child psychology and how to teach the important lessons in life without being a big annoying didacticass.
Yes that is a real word, and no, no you do not ever want to play Scrabble with me because I promise you will suffer a miserable, humiliating defeat in the face of my infinite supply of words that end in “ass”.
But sometimes all men need a little help or guidance when it comes to very young infants. Not because they aren’t totally competant – hell, I didn’t change a single one of Graham’s diapers for the first two months because I was too busy sobbing and reading all about Zoloft on the internet and going Buuuut I just don’t knowwwwwww if I should take the druuuugs… even though holy hell these are some nice drugs and maybe I wouldn’t have ever even been a whore if I had known about Zoloft many years ago. But there’s something about the sound of a baby screaming that can make rational thought very difficult. It’s easier for me to deal with a screaming baby because I have boobs that I can use to stun the baby into silence, because even a baby can’t believe I have breasts this big seeing as I was an A cup before all of this child feeding stuff occurred.
But Kevin doesn’t have the magical baby-silencing boobs, so he often finds himself overwhelmed by a seemingly inconsolable infant. That’s why I put together this handy reference chart for fathers to use when they are faced with a crying baby and don’t know what to do.
March 7th, 2006 at 8:00 am
I love your flowchart. I wish the ones here at work were as fun and practical.
That is also something I hate, assuming that a father is “babysitting”. He is the other half of the parent-thing, he is just as responsible. Thank goodness Kevin is one of those dads that realizes this.
March 7th, 2006 at 11:26 am
People who know me well know better than to use the term “babysitting” when referring to Deputy Dad caring for our children. I think they’ve all heard me say, “It’s not babysitting when it’s YOUR OWN KIDS!” enough times to finally get the message.
P.S. I’m loving the flowchart.
March 7th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
blubber…hm…is that kind of like a zzrbrrt?
Just curious.
March 7th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Yes, I believe it’s the same thing. You put your mouth on their tummy and go BBBbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!! and the baby laughs like a maniac.
March 7th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
Love the flowchart. I can’t count how many times I have come home to find my husband holding a screaming baby at arms length and doing some sort of wierd rocking thing. Helllooo, did you check her diaper? Or give her a bottle?
April 13th, 2006 at 12:57 am
I hate that too, both the ’stuck’ and the ‘babysitting’ parts equally. My stock reply is, “No, I’m PARENTING!”