electric boogaloo

It’s only natural!
for us to judge you if you don’t totally love it

I’ll admit that after my painful trainwreck of a feeding experience with Nicolaus, I was a little bitter and grumpy about the whole boobie feeding thing, to the point that with my second child I didn’t take it day by day… I took it minute by minute, feeding by feeding. But now at 14 months with no exit strategy, I get it now. I’m a believer. So I am again volunteering my marketing expertise to help the LLL and other boobie feeding advocates to offer valuable information for new mothers. You’re welcome!

22 REASONS TO BREASTFEED
1. You’re shallow and you want to lose weight really fast after you have a baby

2. You’re too fucking poor to afford formula

3. The internet will judge you if you don’t do it.

4. And so will your doctor.

5. And the nurses in the maternity ward.

6. And your realtor.

7. Breastpads look AWESOME. I wish I had known these were out there before I wasted all those years stuffing uncomfortable, unflattering toilet paper down my bra.

8. Researchers have not been able to show that breastfeeding doesn’t give you magical powers.

9. Instantly makes you a way better mother than all those ignorant formula bitches.

10. You’re kinda into pain.

11. Done correctly, you can look like you’re doing something really important while you take a nap.

12. For a lot of women, let down is super tingly.

13. “I feed him – YOU change his diapers.”

14. Face it: You’re too lazy mix formula correctly. I mean use the exact amount of water and powder and everything every time? Are they serious?

15. You get to be condescending to your grandma.

16. While lactacting, you’ll be qualified for acting jobs starring a whole new level of kinky porn.

17. You live in a third world country where the water is tainted with donkey shit, which is unsafe to drink and lacks proper nutrition for a growing infant.

18. Opens up many new litigation opportunities. Go into any restaurant or coffee shop and feed your baby. It’s a numbers game… the more you nurse in public the better your chances of being thrown out and being able to sue the ever loving shit out of a mega corporation. May not work in hippie towns like Seattle and Austin where no one cares what you do with your boobs.

19. Breastmilk is useful for many things beyond feeding your child. It can soothe open wounds, cure eye infections, and help you play hilarious beverage-related pranks on people.

20. One recent study suggests that by the age of seven, nearly 30% of all breastfed babies have the ability to fly.

21. Research shows that feeding formula to a child leads to agression and increased instances of ADHD, familial conflict, resentment towards parents, and depression.

22. No wait. Sorry, that’s spanking. Or television. Whatever. You monster.

MYTHS
and FACTS about Breastfeeding

MYTH: It hurts to breastfeed.
FACT: To the contrary, BOTTLE FEEDING is far more painful,
causing…

  • Repeated stress injuries from
    shaking bottles
  • Blindness caused by jabbing
    self or infant in the eye with sharp rubber nipples
  • Dishpan hands
  • Emotional trauma of knowing
    in your heart that you are a failure

MYTH: Breastfeeding is for poor people who only do it to save
money.

FACT: Breastfeeding is not cheaper than formula when you take
into account the massive number of extra calories you will need to consume
in order to produce enough milk. What better way to say “I am firmly
in the upper middle class” than converting a $14 steak into a single
meal for your baby?

 

MYTH: Breastfeeding is one of the best ways to bond with your
newborn.

FACT: Breastfeeding is THE way to bond with your child. To
quote the box of boobie pads, “The decision to breastfeed is the
single most important decision you will ever make for your child’s well
being.”

That means that NOTHING trumps breastmilk. Not reading to your child,
not rocking them at night, not talking to them and sharing the amazing
world. It’s the single most important decision! Boobie pad boxes do not lie.

MYTH: Breastfeeding mamas are hippies. If I breastfeed my baby,
I’ll have to also start caring about the environment and going to war
protests and shit.

FACT: Not at all! That’s the beauty of breastfeeding — this
one simple, natural act empowers all women to feel morally superior
to others. No need to practice Attachment Parenting, no need to recycle
or buy a smaller vehicle… simply tell people that you breastfeed your
baby and they will instantly know that you are a caring person who is
good to her very core.

MYTH: The reasons to breastfeed are all grounded in powerful scientific research based on tens of thousands of years of evolution.
FACT: All that science and research is a bunch of hoo-ha. The ONLY reason any mother really needs to consider is this: Breastfeeding babies make awesome little humming noises while they eat, and it is totally cute.

posted by electric boogaloo in breastfeeding and have Comments (14)

14 Responses to “It’s only natural!
for us to judge you if you don’t totally love it

  1. LadyBug says:

    Hee!

    You know, I breastfed all THREE of my kids through their respective first years.

    That pretty much guarantees me immortality, doesn’t it?

  2. Squirl says:

    Wow, looks like Ladybug has the moral superiority thing all locked up. :)

    I think that number 13, alone, is reason enough.

  3. Chrysoula says:

    Wahhh! The pressure, the pressure!

    Actually, it was the weight loss thing that convinced me it might be worth trying someday.

  4. Nicola says:

    You know what I find fascinating – those gals that don’t breastfeed…they say with all sincerity that “they didn’t have enough milk” or “the baby didn’t do well with my milk” or some other crappy excuse. It just amazes me the lengths some women will go through to explain (to themselves mostly) why they didn’t breastfeed. I get it. Really, I do…you’re too lazy or vain. I’d rather women respond like my aunt did – “I don’t want no little thing sucking on me!”…there you go, honest!

  5. electric boogaloo says:

    The thing is though Nicola, the post-partum period is an intense time. You have a newborn. Your life is upside down. Your body still hurts, you never sleep. Everything is different, and breastfeeding in a lot of cases is HARD. So I don’t think those excuses are crappy at all. It CAN seem like you don’t have enough milk, and when you’re trying to feed a baby who is pushing away and screaming – or screams in apparant pain after every feeding – it can really seem like your baby isn’t doing well on your milk. Those are all very real reasons that in the moment, are more than enough to overwhelm a new mother into stopping.

  6. Whoa…lookie what I found.

    http://www.alphamom.com/site/wonderland/

    I’m like the swiss in this. My boobies hate babies and they turn into stones that spray, but won’t let babies latch on, so I can’t breastfeed. But, interesting that finslippy.org was the next blog I went to with her link to the above story right after yours.

    Please don’t shoot me. : )

  7. Davida says:

    I really needed this today. My six-week-old has turned into a tyrannical breastmaster, and this made me smile.

    Thanks. (Now who do I see about getting some steak?)

  8. electric boogaloo says:

    Why would I shoot you? I love the swiss approach! (although I should admit that it took me a second that you were referring to neutrality and not cheese with a lot of holes in it. for real.)

    I understand the many benefits and I’m glad it’s gone so well for me this time around. But has it defined my relationship with my baby? No. Has it given me magical powers, as explicitly promised by the marketing copy on the side of the box of nursing pads? Not that I can tell.

    So I see why so many women breastfeed. I see why so many women bottlefeed. I don’t see why so many women give a rat’s ass what other mothers are doing.

  9. Suzanne says:

    So Nicola, which is it? That breastfeeding’s harder than formula feeding and therefore more worthwhile, because the Good Mom only does things the Hard Way? It’s funny, because on every real list of reasons to breastfeed, it’s always touted as So Much Easier than all that Incredible Hassle of mixing powder and water. The breastfeeding community needs to make up its mind – is bfing better because it’s harder and requires adjustment, or is bfing better because it’s so much easier for an already overwhelmed new mommy?
    And why you feel that other women need to justify their reasons to you is complete crap.

  10. mamaunit1 says:

    I was very lucky…my baby, who btw is now 16, latched on the very first time. To further my luck, I never got sore or had one problem with BF. However at 6 months my baby seemed disinterested…so I stopped. I shoulda read more and kept with it. But my BF experience was lovely and carefree.

    I will always remember the mama I shared a room with in the maternity ward. While I was waiting for the nurse to bring my baby, my room mate was desperately trying to get her newborn to latch on. She told me she wasn’t successful at BF with her firstborn and really hoped this one she could BF. When I left the hospital my room mate was still struggling with no success. It just ain’t easy for all mamas and their babies. Faced with what I saw my roommate go through, you’d need a ton of help to be successful. No Mama should be made to feel bad about their decision to BF or not.

  11. scarletta says:

    thanks to all for their words and comments—this was very amusing. for me, breastfeeding was both hard and easy, and in looking back it was one of the few things i could feel good about during a time when i was a real mess. i had severe postpartum depression after both my kids were born, and felt like a totally incompetent person. for some reason, i refused to give up on breastfeeding, maybe it helped keep me alive—(i was suicidal some of the time)—
    now i’m 60—i still feel good about having stuck with it.
    we live in a society where there is too much emphasis on things being “easy”

  12. Jakob says:

    This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title t totally love it. Thanks for informative article

  13. Isobel Jones says:

    What an excellent blog, I’ve added your feed to my RSS reader. :-)

  14. tracey says:

    Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success – yours or his.

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