November 20th, 2006
It’s only natural!
for us to judge you if you don’t totally love it
I’ll admit that after my painful trainwreck of a feeding experience with Nicolaus, I was a little bitter and grumpy about the whole boobie feeding thing, to the point that with my second child I didn’t take it day by day… I took it minute by minute, feeding by feeding. But now at 14 months with no exit strategy, I get it now. I’m a believer. So I am again volunteering my marketing expertise to help the LLL and other boobie feeding advocates to offer valuable information for new mothers. You’re welcome!
22 REASONS TO BREASTFEED
1. You’re shallow and you want to lose weight really fast after you have a baby
2. You’re too fucking poor to afford formula
3. The internet will judge you if you don’t do it.
4. And so will your doctor.
5. And the nurses in the maternity ward.
6. And your realtor.
7. Breastpads look AWESOME. I wish I had known these were out there before I wasted all those years stuffing uncomfortable, unflattering toilet paper down my bra.
8. Researchers have not been able to show that breastfeeding doesn’t give you magical powers.
9. Instantly makes you a way better mother than all those ignorant formula bitches.
10. You’re kinda into pain.
11. Done correctly, you can look like you’re doing something really important while you take a nap.
12. For a lot of women, let down is super tingly.
13. “I feed him – YOU change his diapers.”
14. Face it: You’re too lazy mix formula correctly. I mean use the exact amount of water and powder and everything every time? Are they serious?
15. You get to be condescending to your grandma.
16. While lactacting, you’ll be qualified for acting jobs starring a whole new level of kinky porn.
17. You live in a third world country where the water is tainted with donkey shit, which is unsafe to drink and lacks proper nutrition for a growing infant.
18. Opens up many new litigation opportunities. Go into any restaurant or coffee shop and feed your baby. It’s a numbers game… the more you nurse in public the better your chances of being thrown out and being able to sue the ever loving shit out of a mega corporation. May not work in hippie towns like Seattle and Austin where no one cares what you do with your boobs.
19. Breastmilk is useful for many things beyond feeding your child. It can soothe open wounds, cure eye infections, and help you play hilarious beverage-related pranks on people.
20. One recent study suggests that by the age of seven, nearly 30% of all breastfed babies have the ability to fly.
21. Research shows that feeding formula to a child leads to agression and increased instances of ADHD, familial conflict, resentment towards parents, and depression.
22. No wait. Sorry, that’s spanking. Or television. Whatever. You monster.
|
MYTHS
and FACTS about Breastfeeding |
|
MYTH: It hurts to breastfeed.
MYTH: Breastfeeding is for poor people who only do it to save  MYTH: Breastfeeding is one of the best ways to bond with your That means that NOTHING trumps breastmilk. Not reading to your child, MYTH: Breastfeeding mamas are hippies. If I breastfeed my baby, MYTH: The reasons to breastfeed are all grounded in powerful scientific research based on tens of thousands of years of evolution. |
November 20th, 2006 at 10:14 am
Hee!
You know, I breastfed all THREE of my kids through their respective first years.
That pretty much guarantees me immortality, doesn’t it?
November 20th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Wow, looks like Ladybug has the moral superiority thing all locked up. :)
I think that number 13, alone, is reason enough.
November 20th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Wahhh! The pressure, the pressure!
Actually, it was the weight loss thing that convinced me it might be worth trying someday.
November 20th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
You know what I find fascinating – those gals that don’t breastfeed…they say with all sincerity that “they didn’t have enough milk” or “the baby didn’t do well with my milk” or some other crappy excuse. It just amazes me the lengths some women will go through to explain (to themselves mostly) why they didn’t breastfeed. I get it. Really, I do…you’re too lazy or vain. I’d rather women respond like my aunt did – “I don’t want no little thing sucking on me!”…there you go, honest!
November 20th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
The thing is though Nicola, the post-partum period is an intense time. You have a newborn. Your life is upside down. Your body still hurts, you never sleep. Everything is different, and breastfeeding in a lot of cases is HARD. So I don’t think those excuses are crappy at all. It CAN seem like you don’t have enough milk, and when you’re trying to feed a baby who is pushing away and screaming – or screams in apparant pain after every feeding – it can really seem like your baby isn’t doing well on your milk. Those are all very real reasons that in the moment, are more than enough to overwhelm a new mother into stopping.
November 20th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
Whoa…lookie what I found.
http://www.alphamom.com/site/wonderland/
I’m like the swiss in this. My boobies hate babies and they turn into stones that spray, but won’t let babies latch on, so I can’t breastfeed. But, interesting that finslippy.org was the next blog I went to with her link to the above story right after yours.
Please don’t shoot me. : )
November 20th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
I really needed this today. My six-week-old has turned into a tyrannical breastmaster, and this made me smile.
Thanks. (Now who do I see about getting some steak?)
November 20th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Why would I shoot you? I love the swiss approach! (although I should admit that it took me a second that you were referring to neutrality and not cheese with a lot of holes in it. for real.)
I understand the many benefits and I’m glad it’s gone so well for me this time around. But has it defined my relationship with my baby? No. Has it given me magical powers, as explicitly promised by the marketing copy on the side of the box of nursing pads? Not that I can tell.
So I see why so many women breastfeed. I see why so many women bottlefeed. I don’t see why so many women give a rat’s ass what other mothers are doing.
November 22nd, 2006 at 8:33 am
So Nicola, which is it? That breastfeeding’s harder than formula feeding and therefore more worthwhile, because the Good Mom only does things the Hard Way? It’s funny, because on every real list of reasons to breastfeed, it’s always touted as So Much Easier than all that Incredible Hassle of mixing powder and water. The breastfeeding community needs to make up its mind – is bfing better because it’s harder and requires adjustment, or is bfing better because it’s so much easier for an already overwhelmed new mommy?
And why you feel that other women need to justify their reasons to you is complete crap.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:47 am
I was very lucky…my baby, who btw is now 16, latched on the very first time. To further my luck, I never got sore or had one problem with BF. However at 6 months my baby seemed disinterested…so I stopped. I shoulda read more and kept with it. But my BF experience was lovely and carefree.
I will always remember the mama I shared a room with in the maternity ward. While I was waiting for the nurse to bring my baby, my room mate was desperately trying to get her newborn to latch on. She told me she wasn’t successful at BF with her firstborn and really hoped this one she could BF. When I left the hospital my room mate was still struggling with no success. It just ain’t easy for all mamas and their babies. Faced with what I saw my roommate go through, you’d need a ton of help to be successful. No Mama should be made to feel bad about their decision to BF or not.
June 5th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
thanks to all for their words and comments—this was very amusing. for me, breastfeeding was both hard and easy, and in looking back it was one of the few things i could feel good about during a time when i was a real mess. i had severe postpartum depression after both my kids were born, and felt like a totally incompetent person. for some reason, i refused to give up on breastfeeding, maybe it helped keep me alive—(i was suicidal some of the time)—
now i’m 60—i still feel good about having stuck with it.
we live in a society where there is too much emphasis on things being “easy”
July 28th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title t totally love it. Thanks for informative article
November 18th, 2009 at 8:29 am
What an excellent blog, I’ve added your feed to my RSS reader. :-)
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success – yours or his.