I’ll admit that after my painful trainwreck of a feeding experience with Nicolaus, I was a little bitter and grumpy about the whole boobie feeding thing, to the point that with my second child I didn’t take it day by day… I took it minute by minute, feeding by feeding. But now at 14 months with no exit strategy, I get it now. I’m a believer. So I am again volunteering my marketing expertise to help the LLL and other boobie feeding advocates to offer valuable information for new mothers. You’re welcome!
22 REASONS TO BREASTFEED
1. You’re shallow and you want to lose weight really fast after you have a baby
2. You’re too fucking poor to afford formula
3. The internet will judge you if you don’t do it.
4. And so will your doctor.
5. And the nurses in the maternity ward.
6. And your realtor.
7. Breastpads look AWESOME. I wish I had known these were out there before I wasted all those years stuffing uncomfortable, unflattering toilet paper down my bra.
8. Researchers have not been able to show that breastfeeding doesn’t give you magical powers.
9. Instantly makes you a way better mother than all those ignorant formula bitches.
10. You’re kinda into pain.
11. Done correctly, you can look like you’re doing something really important while you take a nap.
12. For a lot of women, let down is super tingly.
13. “I feed him – YOU change his diapers.”
14. Face it: You’re too lazy mix formula correctly. I mean use the exact amount of water and powder and everything every time? Are they serious?
15. You get to be condescending to your grandma.
16. While lactacting, you’ll be qualified for acting jobs starring a whole new level of kinky porn.
17. You live in a third world country where the water is tainted with donkey shit, which is unsafe to drink and lacks proper nutrition for a growing infant.
18. Opens up many new litigation opportunities. Go into any restaurant or coffee shop and feed your baby. It’s a numbers game… the more you nurse in public the better your chances of being thrown out and being able to sue the ever loving shit out of a mega corporation. May not work in hippie towns like Seattle and Austin where no one cares what you do with your boobs.
19. Breastmilk is useful for many things beyond feeding your child. It can soothe open wounds, cure eye infections, and help you play hilarious beverage-related pranks on people.
20. One recent study suggests that by the age of seven, nearly 30% of all breastfed babies have the ability to fly.
21. Research shows that feeding formula to a child leads to agression and increased instances of ADHD, familial conflict, resentment towards parents, and depression.
22. No wait. Sorry, that’s spanking. Or television. Whatever. You monster.
and FACTS about Breastfeeding
MYTH: It hurts to breastfeed.
MYTH: Breastfeeding is for poor people who only do it to save
MYTH: Breastfeeding is one of the best ways to bond with your
That means that NOTHING trumps breastmilk. Not reading to your child,
MYTH: Breastfeeding mamas are hippies. If I breastfeed my baby,
MYTH: The reasons to breastfeed are all grounded in powerful scientific research based on tens of thousands of years of evolution.