February 23rd, 2007
Oh and I almost forgot to mention! Blah blah blah.
Later today we might go trade in our Dodge Carrotvan and buy a Scion XBox. I know it’s not really called the Box but my God, have you seen this car? Fucking box. According to Consumer Reports it is the second ugliest vehicle ever produced, beat out only by the dangerously hideous GMC’s Aztec which was a sport-utility vehicle that looks like… I don’t know. Like if there was a dinosaur that was also a Nike sneaker, only in car form with rusty orange paint and a pop-up tent in the back that makes it look like the car is right at that second having anal polyps surgically removed.
A few years ago we were at a dealership and I was walking around the Aztec thinking there are so many people who could have spoken up somewhere along the way… from the designers to the engineers all the way to manufacturing and marketing and dealers… did not one person notice and go “Wait! Have any of you guys actually looked at this thing?”
A schmoozy sales guy sidled up to me. “That’s something else, huh?”
“Oh yeah.”
“So what would you say if your husband surprised you by driving one of these up in your driveway?”
“I would divorce him.”
He acted hurt and then I felt bad because maybe he was the one who designed it. Maybe they had a big employee vehicle design competition and his was seriously the best entry. But that doesn’t change a whole bunch of ugly. They quit making the Aztec, I’m assuming because the UN was threatening to enforce sanctions against the States if we didn’t stop manufacturing this crime against the silent majority — people with eyes.
And yet here we are, seriously looking at buying an XB even though the first time we saw one we almost ran off the road. But the damned weird little thing is freakishly roomy inside, gets excellent gas mileage, is made by Toyota and so seems unlikely to fill with smoke or need major transmission work at 30,000 miles, and is so ugly that no matter how badly I age it will make me look adorable by comparison.
Our Scion/Toyota sales guy, Randy, found me very confusing.
“God, The color doesn’t even matter. No matter what color, it is just. SO. Ugly.”
“Haha, so ugly it’s cute, right?”
“No. No. It’s so ugly that it’s ugly.”
“So we’re just wasting our time here, aren’t we?”
“Why?”
“Well if you don’t like the car…”
“Oh I love driving it! And if it’s the right car, I don’t care if it’s ugly. It’s not like I have friends anyway.”
“Ohhh, no! Don’t say that.”
“And besides. If friends leave me just because my car is the ugliest thing they’ve ever seen, what kind of friends were they anyway?”
At this point it was obvious that I was making Randy kind of sad and uncomfortable. There’s nothing in the sales script about what to do if someone loves a car that they won’t stop insulting.
And now! Artypants news!
1. Art stuff featured on apartment therapy. Wooo!
2. I can’t wait to pretty up my new car. I found a place that sells inkjet-compatible outdoor waterproof label sheets. Flowers and birds all over the ugly car. Lip gloss on a pig. Or cartoon-style ice cream truck. Clown ambulance. Whatever.
3. My first gallery showing of birds on plexiglass will be at The Funky Chicken Art Project in Dahlonega, Georgia. If you’re in the Atlanta area and you haven’t been to the Funky Chicken Art Project, you should feel sad because you’re missing out. And then happy because it’s not a bad drive to go check it out. Bonus! You can go to Amacawhatevercola Falls afterwards. And! they have a pet flying squirrel named Booboo.
4. I’m working on a book that was written to celebrate the life of a three-year-old girl who died last month in Australia after accidentally locking herself in the car in the summer heat. Ava was a vibrant spirit, full of dances and giggles and hugs and as you can imagine her family is feeling pretty lost without her right now. The book will be available on Lulu next week, and proceeds will go to a child safety awareness group. This book is important to me for two reasons. First, there are a lot of people hoping to raise awareness about this simple but deadly type of accident… especially important as we head into summer here in the United States. But I’m also hoping the book will bring some small comfort to anyone who has ever lost a child. It’s very girly, but I think the message of joy applies either way.
I sound like a big dork talking about this. Just buy the book. And tell people about the book. And if you have any great connections for promoting or publishing, please let me know. I mean connections I can use. Don’t just contact me so you can brag that you’re well connected and I’m not. Wiseass.
4. I finished my artist’s statement.
Artist’s statement
My brother is a terrific contemporary artist in New York City. His work offers critical commentary of our capitalist trappings via symbols of power, science, and intense forces of nature which convey the masculaized distortions of our contemporary isolationist culture driven by corporate greed and iconic waste.
My work? Is about birds. Don’t you think birds are pretty? I’ve always thought so.
It’s about waking up early and having warm biscuits and fruit in the morning, and then sliding into the living room — ignoring the phone if we need to — and dancing with my two boys. We are highly skilled dancers, classically trained: we turn the music up and see who can spin the most without falling over.
It’s about hearing strange wonderful thousands of sounds singing in the trees outside and grabbing my camera and putting pants on the baby, in case of the neighbors you know, and running outside to see an incredible flock of all these birds – starlings, maybe? – thick in our pecan trees, stopping to rest and sing and talk over each other all at once.
It’s about taking pictures, and the baby looking up at the trees. “Bird!†he tells us, “Tee.â€
It’s about our socks getting wet in the early grass outside, and the quick, already almost-over beauty of a thousand birds coming together for the beautiful purpose of resting for a minute and singing this song to us, and maybe pooping on my car a little.
It’s about layers and shadows and reflections and light, and nature, and about feeling connected to all of the mothers and artists and writers and women and birds who have done all of this before me, and all of the ones who will do it later down the line, and feeling very small and happy to have a place among them. My one little voice in the tree with hundreds more singing too, all around me.
It’s about birds, and this time right now — these trees, these boys, these dances on these days.
So! I’m off to clean out the van so we can take it to people who will give us money for it. Unless you think the french fries and teddy grahams will add to the value? There’s enough in the floorboard to nourish a young family for a long time.
February 23rd, 2007 at 3:21 pm
I don’t have much time to write right now, but I just checked out the XB. Ugly. Only word to describe it. The Aztec was ugly but those Honda Elements are butt-ugly too.
I love your artist’s statement. And I will have to look for the book about the little girl. Will it make me cry???
February 23rd, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Somebody once wrote in to Car Talk describing the Scion xB as looking like a “Soviet-era ice cream truck”, and that’s all I can think of when I see them now.
Also, check out the Honda Fit, which is tiny except on the inside, super-versatile, efficient, and cheap. Unless you’re looking at a used xB; the Fits haven’t been out long enough to show up used.
February 23rd, 2007 at 3:38 pm
OK, I will buy this book. Is that what all the cute art you posted earlier is from?
Is it bad of me to say that my eyes kind of glazed over in reading your description of your brother’s art? Big… words… birds and joy and life and memory, that I can understand. So, thank you.
February 23rd, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Yeah, I just saw your mention on apartment therapy – nursery. I was all, “I knew about her before you! And I bought those cards as a xmas present for someone! I AM SO COOL.”
February 24th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Your artist’s statement is great! I am glad you didn’t just pack together a bunch of big arty words and hope for the best.
February 24th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Yay and congrats on all the artypants news! :-)