March 20th, 2007
Brought to you by the partnership for a drug free america
Brains are so weird. I’m typing this right before I take another dose of hydrocodone or whatever it is. Once I take it, I’ll be stupid again so I thought I’d take a second to compose a brief entry that makes a small amount of sense. Then, just so you can laugh at me, I’ll include the entry I wrote earlier under the influence of the good shit.
Last night Kevin and I were both painting. He was painting the bathroom walls, and I was painting big canvases with birds and flowers. Every once in awhile I’d say “I love painting!” and Kevin would say, “Painting BLOWS.”
Around midnight we both finished for the night and started to clean up when my side started hurting. Stomach ache maybe?
The pain quickly went from “Huh, that’s odd.” to “Wow.” to “Holy piss, take me to the hospital.” There was no chance in hell of me driving myself, which sucked because that meant piling up the boys in the middle of the night and taking them to where all the sick people are. The triage nurse called for a bed: “We got a stoner.”
That’s her funny way of saying in her medical opinion I have a kidney stone, and that I smoke marijuana on a regular basis.
It was a fun night. I’ll let hydrocodone Tiffany tell you the rest.
******
First, here’s what I wrote to some friends this morning, right before they made me promise not to write a blog post. These are the same friends who won’t let me wear suspenders, so you’d think I would learn to trust their judgement:
hospital. ER, long looong night holy fuck you guys. CT sscans are creepy how they have the machine giving you instructions in a woman’s voice. “BREATHE” says the machine.
“Fuck you.” i answer back
I threw up and threw up because wow, it hurt and I’m a baby and some guy was having a heart attack so they were all oooosorry we have to go save this guy’s life but how you doing?
how you doing? how you doing? Where does it hurt? Where?
It hurts UP your ass! GIVE ME DRUGS NOW.
But they wouldn’t give me drugs until they were sure I wasn’t pg and until the heart aack guy was ok and all. then they did give me drugs and good. then the drugs wore off and the nurse said “hm. that’s not good.”
thanks, wise ass.
now I’m home. with drugs. my parents just came and got the boys so kevin can go to twork — poor guy got like 2 hours of sleep.’
In conclusion, I very muhc recommend that you get large stones asap. And also, I quite highly recommend something called hydrocodine and something called vicodan and whatever else they put in my iv right before I left. Everclear I’m pretty sure. rock.
love,
tiffany
So then I took a nap, peed numerous times into a magical party hat strainer thing, then ignoring their advice, composed this profoundly moving entry:
I shouldsn;t be posting anything - in face I almost definitely will hit saeve draft rather than publish but I’m in bed in a quiet house and awake and i’ve already read everything reddit.com has to foffer today, and even finished the Oprah magazine I bought last month when I was trying to decided whether to take the job in atlantsa. Because it promises on the cover to tell you what to decide.
“TRUST YOUR GUT” says oprah “IT IS NEVER WRONG!”
which is why I eat at taco ubbueno so much.
but last night I specnt the night in the ER mostly crying and puking and -swear- singing “lalalalalalalalalalala.” which was for some reason soothing because they wouldn’t motherfuciking give me the drugs. I’d never taken painkillers before but I’d read about them and hasd heard about them on the television and understood them to be quite effective and important.
I’d like the record to reflect that I didnot curse, not even once because the guy in the bed next to me was ther with his nice older mexican mom and she reminded me of my grandma and if she were alisve today i would never said mothergodcockSUCK in front of her, no matter how much i meant it. Even though tshe was so sweet she wouldn’t have gotten mad, she would have pretended not to hear and siad, tyou’re okay, you jsut have to get it out and feel better. Then she would have given me five dollars and some butterscotch candies, and turned on a spanish soap opera fo us to watch.
so no cursing.
If you’re a man and you go to the ER with kidney stones and you cry — rightfully so beacause holy lord — I think you should know that the nurses make fun of you later to their other kidney stone patients.
Wow. I definitely have a hard time on these drugs finding the letters and things for typing. What time is it? Can I take more medicie? Because the pain is coming back and it MUST NEVER COME BACK. Because last night was unreal. I’ve survived a staph infection in a major joint, unmedicated labor and childbirth, installation of an epidural by a man who’d never had anyone install an epidural in his own back (YOU HEAR ME ASSHOLE? Your epidural installation made my list of most painful things eveR) and heck even an unmedicated passing of a small kindney stone but THIS! This was the magical winner!
At the hospital there were all these very nice nurses and things? And they all asked me a million times how I was doing. How ya doing? How ya doing? You doing okay?
NO. I said, no.
How ya doing?
I told more than one person ‘No! i’m not okay. I need to get to a hospital right away.”
they liked having someone there so witty I’m pretty sure.
I told the IV putting in guy, “Dude you suck at this!” but I was only picking on him. It didn’t hurt, he was just getting blood everywhere and it was funny.
So anyway. Shut up Tiffany! Now I’m home. Kevin’s at work. Boys are with my parents. Mouse is asleep in his favorie cat bed. And here I am with the drugs.
I cnat stop feeling like the bouys are here. Like Graham is in his bed and going to wake up sooon. And wher is N? Usually when I’m sick he hovers and daradraws me pictures and brings me toys to help me feel better. I’m glad theyr’e with my parents who no shit are assmbling a CRANE in their living room to N’s total delight but it’s strange to not have them here. Even though obviousl I’m not in any state to parent today.
****
The good news is, I’m not wearing suspenders.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:02 am
That’s right… at least you’re not wearing suspenders. ;-) Feel better, T. ((hugs))
March 21st, 2007 at 8:16 am
See, aren’t you glad I told you not to post it? It sounds much better with your caveat that you were fucked up on drugs while writing it. Oh, there’s this new study that came out, that shows that chicks that wear suspenders have a much less chance of getting kidney stones. Something about the elastic weight pulling on the shoulders. Um, not. Ha Ha!
March 21st, 2007 at 8:18 am
Man, I want some of what you’re having!
Uh, not the kidney stone part.
Hope you’re doing okay.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:39 am
Man- I have been missing out not reading this…you are one funny biotch!
March 21st, 2007 at 9:58 am
Oh, Tiffany, I’m so sorry. Do you know when you write while drugged you sound a lot like N? Hope you’re doing better.
March 21st, 2007 at 10:23 am
OK,first so sorry about that kidney stone. They run in my family and whoa, they really are akin to childbirth, or so I am told. I have never had that kinda stone…but trust my family when they tell me.
Secondly, I know it isn’t nice to laugh when you are in so much pain…but your writing while high was very amusing. You are always amusing of course…but this was a whole nother thing!
Feel better soon.
March 21st, 2007 at 11:21 am
Oh man. I’m sorry for the pain that got you the drugs, but that sounds like some good shit dude. “It hurts UP your ass.” HA!
Heal and stuff. OK? Ok.
March 21st, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Wow, those are the good drugs! Woooeee! If you get bored, please post more drugged stories. :-)
March 21st, 2007 at 7:30 pm
OH MY GOD. I love this post. I love it very much. Love it so much that I am going to come back and read it over and over…
The reason that I loved it so much, is that I have had a gallbladder attack…hell, it was a full on assault! And here in Oklahoma, the nurses can tend to be a little sarcastic..so when the nurse said, “Can I help you?” in her smart ass way, after I had been in an empty ER for 2 HOURS!, I told her yes, she could help me. She could get me a damn doctor right.this.very.second. or I would throw up on her and then sue her for being a bitch. She quickly showed me a room..lol..
I hope you’re feeling better!
March 21st, 2007 at 10:14 pm
I love you.
March 21st, 2007 at 10:53 pm
I love the Vicodin-Tiffany! I wish she could be MY mommy!
March 21st, 2007 at 11:21 pm
May your rolling stone gather no more damned moss!
(Party hat strainer? Got any pictures?)
March 22nd, 2007 at 9:17 am
Crap, I get busy for a couple of days and look what happens. I’m so sorry you were in such pain. That sucks so bad. Thank goodness they finally got you some drugs.
It’s still a great post, though.
And leave it to my sister to ask for pictures. :-)
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:08 am
The post while medicated reminds me of a letter my best friend wrote me when she got her wisdom teeth pulled in high school at one of the places where they pay you to test new medication. It started with, “I just God my death removed” and got progressively more coherent as the letter went on. I guess she was writing because she couldn’t talk on the phone. Obviously she got some of the good meds too, LOL!
Since I just got off the phone with Kevin, I know the medicine is making you really nauseous. Hope you get to feeling better soon!
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:57 am
Oh gosh this post was hilarious!!! Mostly because I have been there. Only having a kidney stone when you are 5 months pregnant is not as fun because they won’t give you as good of drugs. Enjoy em while you got em! ;)
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:08 pm
You, madam, are one funny chick. I am distressed that you have experienced such a medieval malady, however, you made it hilarious.
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 am
Get up and call your doc. What you want is Tordol, (Ketoralec?). With my stones, that was all that cut the pain, and THEMS GOOD DRUGS!
SO sorry about your hospital stay! Kidney stones are the worst, I’d go through labor 10 times before I’d envite another stone!
March 23rd, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Oh NO! I am so sorry. I hope you are feeling much better soon.
March 24th, 2007 at 3:19 am
So as it turns out…getting younglings is more difficult than just having younglings around. They are a romper room tag team but the last time we totaled the score Y.M. and I were winning. We have learned that they love taking a bath in the big tub in the room with no walls, they both really like building and using hydraulic cranes, and they both really like marionette horse puppet performances of the Blue Shadows on the Trail song from Three amigos. Other than that not much to report other than that G is not allergic to the yellow stuff from the trees that collects on the patio table and N has learned a great deal about anti-submarine warfare. Ive gone on tour to rest, get well before I get back. dadio