March 24th, 2007
I can finally say I experienced home birth
Update. OW. Motherfucking ow. Kidney stone apparently totally still in there, nasty stubborn every-bad-word-adjective-you-can-think-of little even-worse-bad-word-noun. More drugs. Shit. Okay, sorry, I know these posts have the potential to become tedious so that’s all I will say for now. Except for Damn. Fuck. Ow.
Friday night, at 2:13 AM Little Elian Gonzales Ard was born. Little Elian measured 3mm in diameter, and weighed less than .01 oz. Both he and mother are resting and seem to be in good spirits although frankly — on closer examination — maybe Little Elian is just some gunk and wasn’t what we were supposed to be collecting at all. In any case, the exciting kidney stone ordeal seems to be over. Tiffany is still a little queasy after being in labor for four days and says that she will cry if she ever looks at lemon lime Gatorade again. Or Sprite. Or water. Or pain pills. Or the other pain pills. Or anti nausea tablets. Or the other kind of anti nausea medicine that they give you as punishment for throwing up the tablets because those tablets aren’t cheap you know.
Business idea! Somebody quick! Make kidney stone catching party hat strainer things out of something besides paper. Perhaps plastic or wood or oh… I don’t know… laminated paper might work better. Also, make the mesh strainer part out of something that continues to drain once it is wet. I’m saying for just in case someone’s urine happens to be made out of liquid. You will immediately storm the marketplace with your infinitely superior party hat strainer thing kidney stone catching product and will become richer than you ever imagined. Even more so if you sell advertising spots on the inside of the party hat — for Ocean Spray Cranberry juice for example, or maybe Glamour Shots.
You could also increase market share if you added an elastic band so that the device could actually be used as a party hat.
That’s all, nothing else to report except that my boys are home and oh my god how wonderful to see them. In only four days – four! – they’ve both grown and matured and GROWN. How does that happen? Nicolaus is being so fourish and scoutish and funny and sweet, and learned a great deal about science and submarine warfare while he was away. The first thing he did when he walked in the house was gather up everything he wished he had brought to my parents’ house. He put all the things he “almost forgot” into a small backpack and has been wearing it since. You know, just in case we should spontaneously give him away to other people with zero notice. Good to be prepared, especially now that we know it’s even an option. Uh – ow! My umm… kidney… hey mom? Dad? We’re going to bring the boys over for a few hour… uh, days. On account of my kidney and all.
Graham is speaking so much clearer… probably because I shoved them out the door on Tuesday without giving my parents any sort of Graham-Dutch-English decoder. So now instead of Waweh, he asks for WaTERRRR. And tells me he’s Tirstyyyy. Instead of mumbling something about a poopie diedahh(unintelligible) he says “Poopie. DiaPER. Chinge Diaper, POOPIE DIAPER.”
and he came over to me with a broken toy and said, “Hilp me. Hilp me!”
But when he wanted me to pick him up he still leaned on my knees, looked up and said, “Daowwwwwwwwwn.”
Ah, how MUCH do I love these boys?? Almost as much as I love not throwing up into a paint bucker and being zonked out on painkillers.
March 24th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
*hilp me*
gah…why do I find that hilarious….probably because just yesterday Arjun crawled under the couch…got caught and lay there pathetically saying….”Thuck! THUCK! Halp, halp!”…..
Ha ha….they’re good for some laughs no?
March 24th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
ps. Congratulations on little Elian!
March 24th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Yay, passed the fucking stone! Poor Nicolaus, worried that he has to pack his things in case he has to leave on a moment’s notice.
Graham is so cute. I love his down for being held. I’ve known a couple of little kids who’ve said hold you instead of hold me, as that’s what the parent has said to her/him.
Your kids speak so well at such a young age. Of course the kids are smart, good genes. But this also speaks well of how you’re bringing them up.
March 24th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
YAY – the stone has passed! and YAY – the boys are back home! The backpack of things Nicolaus “almost forgot” is priceless :-)
March 24th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Ohgod. At first I thought you’d had a miscarriage and was DEVASTATED. Then I ‘got it’. WHEW. Here’s to feeling better, pronto (or, as we sometimes say here in Idaho, “Pronto PUP!”… you know what those are, right? :))
Love to you all. And if you ever feel the need to, I dunno, let Nicolaus explore his inner Goat Roper and Graham learn how to say cool things like “Pronto PUP!” and “I’na BUM!” (that last one was a Rogerism and was meant to infer that he was a bum – not something kinky like “In The Bum”, lol), box those boys up, toss in a Mouse, and FedEx ‘em over. Cuz UPS Ground just wouldn’t sit well with the Activists, you know.
March 24th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
i think you all need a real vacation. for god’s sakes your place has been the house of the rising puke for far too long. glad you are better.
March 24th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Just read your updated. That SUCKS.
Feel free to use my favourite foul expression — Mother of all Fuckers. I find it to be a deeply satisfying adjective. Even the standard “motherfucker” is fab, as is “MFer” in a G rated pinch.
Seriously. Sorry to hear you’re still “with stone.”
March 24th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
expletive, not adjective. GAH.
March 25th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
I love that you named your stone Elian. Love it. May I bring you alcohol next time I’m in Dallas?
March 25th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Ouch. And double ouch. I hope it passes SOON!
March 25th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
WOW, ran into this blog when I was looking up photoshop tutorials. Congrats on passing that stone. I love your blog. I am also very much in to photography, and am one obsessed mother. I have a 4 year old, Alex, he is special needs and a riot. And am also raising two stepdaughters since thier mothers death last october. Alyhow this has turned into one crazy runon paragraph, glad you are feeling better. Jenny
March 25th, 2007 at 8:06 pm
Oh no! We thought that little bastard was gone. You just post whatever you want, especially if it makes you feel any better at all. Crossing my fingers for you that it’s gone by the time you read this comment.
March 26th, 2007 at 12:28 am
oh man! I’m sorry it’s still there and causing you pain! Hope the bastard dissolves soon!!!!! The stone I mean.
March 26th, 2007 at 1:15 am
Have you considered the option of sending in urethra trolls with pick axes to break up the stone?