That damned scientific method is no match for little kids. After almost a week of Nicolaus’ stormy moods and Graham whiny naughtiness, today they have been wonderful. Cute. Sweet. Funny. Mellow. There was one little incident involving the portable DVD player but that was my fault for getting on the phone.

Other than that, awesome. They let me get work done, then they let me play with each boy separately, and now they are playing happily in the bath while I sit on the floor next to the tub with my laptop and hope they don’t decide to be ironic and dump water on it.

I figure I’m safe now that I said it because what are the chances something like that would really happen right after I said it?

Oops, now that I said what are the chances?? the chances probably just went way up. Crap.

Anyway, today has been nice and even a tiny bit productive. I managed to pack and label all of the week’s orders which feels wonderful in a way and sad in another. Wonderful in the sense that piling up a stack of packages to mail makes me feel like the lion in Disney’s Robin Hood when he plays with his money and gloats, “Taxes! Beautiful taxes! BAha, Bahaaaa.”

Except I actually hate taxes, but other than that I look and sound identical to him.

But then seeing my little “Orders to ship folder” sitting empty makes me wish someone would order something. Like cleaning out your fridge and then looking in it and going well shoot… there’s no food in here.

Anyway, I got everything all packed up and labeled and ready to go sometime after 4. The post office closes at 5. I looked at my boys who were playing together in the living room. Nicolaus was still wearing his pajamas and Graham — well, he changes his clothes several times every afternoon and it gets weirder each time.

In my head I played out all the steps needed to throw sort of normal clothes on them and find everyone’s shoes and herd them to their patches (did I tell you about the front door patches? The single smartest thing I have ever thought of ever in my life) and load them in the car along with all my mail, then unload them and drag them into their least favorite place on earth besides the dentist. They hate the post office a lot. No. That’s not right. They LOVE the post office. It’s so the land of grownups, and something about it makes them go insane.

Anyway, I blew off the post office. Sorry, customers. I promise I will go in the morning. Besides, what if it’s like in Like Water for Chocolate, and all the stress and bad feelings I have when I mail your package all travel across the country to you and make you have a shitty mood for a few minutes? That’d be no good. So yeah, tomorrow. I’ll be a calm blue ocean sliding everything into that calm blue mailbox. Kevin will have the boys here at home. Sucker.

Anyway, yeah. My love for the scientific method makes me want to figure out why some days are so good with these guys. What is the key thing that makes the difference? But I am starting to accept that sometimes they just decide to be awesome, sometimes they decide to be assholes. There is no knowing why or how it happens. Parenting has turned me into a bit of a Zen Buddhist or whatever.

***

Bedtime tonight was much better. First, I gave them a bath as documented above. Then we improvised a sort of jumpolene out of two old foam couch cushions from the sectional that my parents had when we were kids. I have personally jumped on those very cushions many times, which explains why the covers are in such ratty condition. This got the boys sort of wired/tired.

While they jumped, I made dinner. A stack of banana and honey sandwiches on warm whole wheat bread, with baby carrots and graham crackers shaped like insects. Big hit. Very easy. I really recommend if you are still spending an hour every day cooking some sort of dinner for your children that they may or may not eat that you adopt my “Tray full of everything” approach. Just while they’re little. One day we’ll start making them join us for dinner and eat what we eat and they’ll be horrified by how our food isn’t segregated. All together on the plate! In one compartment! And they’ll cry and it’ll be funny.

But not now. For now I need dinners to be simple, and I need them to eat it all without a fight and most importantly, I need the dining room table for my art projects.

Then we read a story, tucked everyone in. Then, and this is the part I’m proud of: I stood up next to Nicolaus’ bed.

“What are you doing, Mama?”

“You have a hard time falling asleep lately. So I’m helping you.”

“How?”

“I’m going to help you settle down and go to sleep.”

So I stood there. And every time he sat up, played, talked, tried to pick up his notebook and pen, I told him No. Lay down. Be still. Close your eyes. Go to sleep.

It took five minutes.

Once you get one to hush and go to sleep, the other is usually easy. So then I lay down in Graham’s bed and tried the same thing on him. And I am certain it would have worked if I hadn’t fallen asleep. What is the deal with that boy’s bed?? I always fall asleep! I woke up and he was still playing. Oh well. I left, he played for awhile longer and then went to sleep.

Ahhh. I should have worked or cleaned or done anything productive. But instead I made some cookies and watched a Netflixed DVD of My Name is Earl and surfed the internet. Oooh and while surfing I found this work of art! This little girl drew a picture of precisely what my mom would look like if she had red hair! Freaky. Take a look:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=7158246

7:45
This is how I imagine big-time research science people feel towards the end of a long-term experiment. The pieces are all in place, you controlled for everything you could think of to control, you took your time and did all the steps — and now all you can do is sit back on your heels and watch the data roll in and pray to everything that it worked. We’ve been doing this bedtime thing every night for almost five years but still there’s always this tense period of: Did it work? I’ll update again and let you know.

8:15
I am thinking it possibly did not work. They are being kind of chatty in there. No one is out of their beds though, and no one is crying. A positive sign?

8:47
Graham was giggling louder and louder. I had to go in there and break up the fun when I heard someone say, “Hey! Wanna play tug of war with me?”

They sleep in a bunk bed. You try and visualize out how that would even work, and then you know how fast I ran in there.

9:04
More giggling. I go in. Nicolaus is sitting at the other end of his bed scribbling on a travel magnadoodle which is part of the latest trend in toy development: part magnet drawing board, part poodle. Graham is in his bed with books piled on his lap.

I’m becoming stern and grumpy.

9:15
I went in again because Nicolaus was whining that he can’t fall asleep no matter what he tries. He has apparently tried everything from lining all his stuffed animals up so they look like they’re in a real live jungle circus to tossing his stuffed owls in the air so they really look alive. Insomnia can be quite the puzzle.

9:17
“I caaaaaaannnn’t falllll asleeeeeeeep.”

9:18
“I stillll caaaan’t fallll asleeeeep.”

9:20
I offer to help him fall asleep by confiscating his stuffed horse as incentive. It would be returned as soon as he went to sleep, thus encouraging him to stop playing and actually try to fall asleep.

He turns down my generous offer.

9:29
“MAMA! Quick!” He sounds serious.

I slide in there and find Graham proudly teetering at the top of the bunk bed ladder. Fuck. We removed the bottom rung when we bought the dang thing, but the small punk has figured out that by putting something to stand on at the bottom he doesn’t need the bottom rung. Plus he’s taller now, and stronger, and more of a punk.

As soon as he sees me, Graham scrambles down and says “I need to be in my own bed!” like what the –? There must be some kind of mistake! I’m not supposed to be here at all!

I am stern. He assures me in toddler-speak that he will stay in his own bed.

9:34
*plink plink plunk* Graham is up and playing the piano. Nicolaus is sitting up and is trying to tell him which notes to play. I come in. I am not nice. I take the horse, as well as Graham’s very will to live on a planet where people talk mean to him sometimes.

9:40
“Mama? Can I just sleep in your bed tonight?”

“NO.”

“Can I have my horse back now?”

“NO.”

“But I really really just can’t fall asleep. I tried writing down notes and things, that’s didn’t work. I tried looking at books, totally didn’t work. The music is bothering me now and I just really need –”

“Go to sleep.”

9:50
Nicolaus appears in the living room. “Hi! I am going to sleep in you guys’ bed if that’s okay…”

“NO.”

“Well I just can’t sleep and –”

“No.” I pick him up and carry him to his bed. “Dude. It has been almost three hours of this bedtime. Enough! Enough. Go to sleep. Your body needs rest and you are not giving it what it needs. If I have to come in here again, I am taking the owl.”

DondonDON!

Nooooo not the owl anything but the owl!

Then it’s Graham’s turn for meanness. I take off his pants to change his now wet diaper. He freaks. “I needa wearmy pants!!”

“I know, I’m just changing your diaper.”

“Noooo I need my diaper! I need my pants!”

“Shhhh. There, I’m done.”

“I needyouto putmy pantsback ON.”

“Shhhh…” I put his pants back on. I lay him down. I cover him with a blanket.

“I needsome water mama.”

“I’ll get you some but do NOT get out of this bed. No crying, and no getting up. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Are you going to get up?”

“No. I’m not.”

I bring him water. And because Nicolaus was quiet through that whole diaper thing and now seems to be attempting actual sleep, I bring him his horse. He hugs it and says a warm thank you. Graham drinks the water.

Ahhh. There. They’ll be asleep in a minute, I’m sure now.

10:01
I tiptoe out of their room. Graham cries. “I needa seeyou Mama! I have to!”

“Shhhh… drink your water… drink your water.” He does. I leave.

10:04
A stillness just settled over all 975 square feet of our apartment. They are asleep.

10:10
“Mama?”

“Mama? Can I just tell you a couple of things?”

“No…”

“Well why not?”

“Go to sleep.”

“Because the first thing…”

“GOODNIGHT, Nicolaus.”

10:22
I think they are really asleep.

…It is getting really cold here now, any suggestions about scouts projects that we could do indoors? Badges sound neat, I hope to earn a few if I am accepted. Also I do not have a lot of the required things for my desk ie. Microscope. What kind do you have? Maybe it is something I can ask Santa for…

Hello! I have a red microscope with a hinge that goes all the way around like a silver metal rainbow that tilts it back. YES you can be a scout! Hmmmm maybe inside you could get a bee farm? Or! Sea monkeys! I have some and they are like REALLY COOL. You could also grow plants in your mama’s house if she will say it’s okay. Thank you for joining the scouts! Bye,
Nicolaus

***
My baby is a Cygnet Scout, because she just turned one a month ago. To earn patches, she is exploring all different kinds of plants, and looking at different pictures of animals and pointing to the noses on all of them. Sometimes we go to the aquarium and she points to fish! She loves Nature, and she loves being in the Naturalist Scouts. Thank you so much for inventing them.

Well! You could even send your baby over here to study all the nature things we have. Thank you for letting Lillian join my scouts!
Nicolaus

***
Hi Nicolaus !

Lara

Hi Lara! Great! Thank you! I was going to tell you to maybe dig a hole and put the dog’s poop in the hole. And then cover it up. THAT WAYYYY the poop can kind of fall apart and go back to nature because of this: animals can not find it or step in it. Except for dogs might find it because they dig for bones all the time and whattyaknow? They’d find dog poop. Hahaha and they’d be like ewww that’s what my own poop looks like?

I think you should save deer and stuff, but be careful if you save any porcupines or skunks because they could stick a needle or squirt you.

Nicolaus
***

Hi Nicolaus,
I’m Max from holland and I am almost three. Can I join please? I love trees and hug them if my mom lets me. I also love gardens and flowers, and also cars, especially tractors. Those are nature cars, because they can go anywhere and pull wagons of good stuff to eat. (like beans, I love beans)
Dag Nicolaus!
Max

Hi Max! You’ll be a Cygnet Scouts for now but when you turn three SOON you will be a Tree Hugger. The only thing you really need to know is that cars can pollute and that can actually kill trees. A lot of trucks pollute the MOST. Thank you for joining the Scouts!
Nicolaus

***
Hi C Max, I think I would like to hang out with you if you lived in Atlanta. Thank you for joining my Naturalist Scouts! If you ever see an animal in the ocean that needs help you are supposed to — if your mom will let you — shoot floating things out to help save their life! But you have to be aware that you are not shooting sharp arrows at the animals!
Nicolaus

***
(This one is sort of an FAQ about whether older kids and even adults can join…)
Hi Nicolaus,

Hi Roberta YES older kids are Coast Guard Cutters! And grownups can come but they have a different salute than the kids. Nancy can TOTALLY join too.

Nicolaus

***
Dear Nicolaus,
My name is Hannah. I am six and a half years old. I am in First grade. My mom told me about the Naturalist Scouts and I read your website. I am joining the Naturalist Scouts right now.
I am already a naturalist. I am learning how to take care of animals and trees. I want to be a naturalist so that I can help keep the forests safe from lumberjacks and forest fires and help animals too. I also want to be a space veterinarian and take care of animals at the International Space Station. I also am learning how to surf so that I can go out in the ocean and rescue sea animals who are hurt and bring them to my animal hospital. I don’t like lumberjacks or hunters. My best friend Owen pretends that he is a hunter sometimes. He only shoots the bad animals. You can tell they are bad because their eyes glow red.

I hope we will get to learn about being naturalists together.
Sincerely,
Hannah

Hi Hannah! Thank you for joining my Naturalist Scouts. From Nicolaus. Where do you live? Because you sound so good at saving animals and nature and I’d like you to even meet the animals I have in my house. I have a field journal too! And my baby brother has a one too, but his is red. I like your pictures. I looked at them and I like them. I’m wondering if you live near me so we could work together to save animals since we are both Coast Guard Cutters!

Nicolaus

***
Hello. I am a toddler and am seeking a reputable nature organization to enrich my life. I have several issues that I must bring up first and get approval. While I enjoy nature, I REALLY enjoy eating things. If I were to say, eat something in nature, could I get a patch for that? And my mom won’t let me wear a vest with no shirt, but I do wear beads and I was wondering if that was ok.
Please keep my application and attached photo (wearing beads) for your records.
Looking forward to being a scout and beyond.
Griffin, age 22 months

Hello Griffin! I like your beads. But why can’t you wear a little vest? You can have a shirt UNDER it! Would your mom say that’s okay? Eating leaves and things does not really get you patches. But what DOES get you patches is if you make a granola bar that will get you like a million patches. Or because you are a toddler you can just find trees that people are trying to cut down and call tree huggers. You can look for different injured animals and things along the trail. If you find an injured animal give it to your leader to help save it. You can just do whatever naturey things that you want!

Nicolaus

I – I don’t remember
D – Didn’t do the things I was supposed to do
I – I just did “I” like what? Ten seconds ago
O – Oh my god
T – Tesus Christ, I really don’t like these things.

So not only did I work on making birds all weekend instead of doing the responsible thing and posting fun things in my blog… wait. In? Or ON my blog? And while we’re at it, are you IN Rhode Island? Or ON it. Shit. Wait! You’re IN Rhode Island, but ON Long Island. Right?

Which, obviously you probably are not in or on either of those places and this is all just annoying you while you wait patiently – always patiently – for the point.

What?

Right. Not only did I give you a lame post about birds (Now! On plexiglass!) but I forgot to open comments on that post. I had no idea until a couple of nice people emailed me to ask why I wasn’t allowing comments anymore. Of course just to be funny I wrote them back and said, “Because of what you did.”

So no one commented on the new birds and I just figured you were all sick of hearing about my motherfucking art projects. Which, maybe you are, but normally you at least have the option of saying so right there on the post and you CHOOSE not to just to make me feel better. But now I feel like an idiot because I didn’t even give you the chance to choose not to tell me to shut up about my motherfucking art. It appeared that I was not giving you the benefit of the doubt, when really I was only being forgetful and then later in the day a little irritable but that was unrelated. I just hate when we order food because the boys are hungry and then instead of eating, Nicolaus plays with invisible animals that are climbing up the wall and Graham tries to put his feet on the table and eat ketchup with a fork. So I ended up stabbing the table and growling “SIT UP AND EAT.” just as the waiter walked up to see if we needed anything else. And I was embarrassed. Because really, I don’t go around stabbing things for emphasis all the time. It’s very rare. Twice a week at most.

Nicolaus adores all of the scout business. My goodness. In fact, maybe I will make up for my own lameness by sharing with you some of the questions he’s gotten and the answers he made me type. Yeah? Yeah okay, let’s do that.

After I make and eat some cookie dough I mean.

On PLEXIGLASS.

New ones up at the grand old etsy shop. I’m not posting these to my web site because they are one of a kind and it would suck if by some freak thing two people bought the same one on different sites. I’d have to coordinate some kind of fight to the death, and what with pre-holiday travel being so crazy and all it would be a pain unless the two buyers happened to live within driving distance of both each other and me. Complicated.