May 5th, 2008
Goodnight nobody. Goodnight mush. Goodnight to the old lady who was whispering “Ohhhhmygod. Are you still awake??”
Their sleep schedules derailed so gradually we didn’t even notice. 8:30… 9:00… 10:00 eh, no big deal. Except that now 11:00 is the earliest they go to sleep. This is not college you guys! And even if it was college you are not here to party. GO TO BED. Before you both lose your damned scholarships.
So here’s how it goes. No matter what time we put the boys to bed, Graham poops ten minutes later.
He comes out and says, “I pooped Mama. I am really poopie and nasty. And a little bit wet.”
He’s not lying. I change him. After that he’s like well, since I’m up I might as well build something with blocks. I shuffle him back to his bed, and he cries and says awful things that I can barely understand on account of all the crying. YOU SAID I CANNOT BUILD WITH BLOCKS ANYMORE AND I LOVE MY BLOCKS AND (unintelligible) YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME MY (unintelligible). I really need my (unintelligible).
And so on.
Meanwhile, Nicolaus is awake and listening and considering his options. Will he: A) Choose this moment to request something from me? B) Tell me he can’t sleep no matter what he does or C) Rightly point out that Graham is being really loud or D) Ask me a question about gladiators.
Eventually I figure out what Graham is asking for, and it’s usually something totally reasonable like a pillow. I give it to him and he flops down and sighs. There.
I float out of the room and think wow, I am such a great mother at this. If this were American Parenting Idol, I would NOT be voted off tonight because my children will be asleep soon and because I have tremendous energy and stage presence.
Which is just stupid, I’m stupid, they are not going to sleep right now or maybe ever. Graham is going to lay there in the dark singing and talking to his feet and pretending to read — not kidding — a little block of Post-it notes for a minimum of two hours, until he either falls asleep (good) or notices that he is technically free to move about the room and goes into his closet and pulls out every single toy and book (bad).
Meanwhile Nicolaus will look at books and bookmark many pages because he wants to ask me what this guy is doing, and I won’t answer questions until morning. What kind of weapon is that, and did these people wear a toga with a purple stripe and not gold? Gold is really much fancier. And why do these guys have so much armor except on their chest and stomach? That seems really not very smart.
This goes on until he either runs out of bookmarks and/or I make him put the books away, so he can begin his two hours of alternately talking to himself and complaining that he can’t fall asleep no matter what he tries.
Which, I make it sound awful but really this is not hard work, and it’s no different than their usual bedtime routine. If one of them will go to sleep, the other will eventually give up and go to sleep too or at the very least will be quiet and still so that I can go to sleep which is the actual goal in all of this.
But! The difference right now is that usually the whole mess is over by 9:00, leaving us plenty of time to do important mommy and daddy alone time things like watch Netflix instant download movies and complain about work and say nice things about Barack Obama and surf the internet and eat the Kit Kats and ice cream that our children don’t know about. When little children won’t go to bed, it’s a problem for parents because we don’t want to share our ice cream and because at this late hour after a long day, although we love our children very much, we seriously do not want to watch The motherfucking Swan Princess movie.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:09 am
I have a son verging on 7 months old and we’re in a nightly contest to see who can stay up later. I guess each of us are hoping for an hour of uninterrupted computer time. On the nights he wins I think the least he could do is unload the dishwasher.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I remember, as kids, we never went to sleep right away. We were just more stealthy about it. Of course, we got spanked if we got found out. At least, we did if they had to say something the second time.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:31 am
You must admire me…I have finally won the bedtime war. Maya was out by 8 yesterday! Ah ha! Yeah well..except she still sleeps in my bed…ok nevermind.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Dude, my daughter is so like Graham it isn’t funny. Well, maybe it is.
It has just gone 12.04am here and she went to sleep approximately 7 minutes ago. Next to me. In my bed. For the first time in 7 months.
And apparently unending toddler playtime causes me to type in really short sentences.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Heh… ((hugs)) I can totally sympathize. Bedtime was, for a long, long time, the hardest part about raising our daughter. You’d think that laying in a bed for 2 hours, you’d get tired enough (and bored enough!) to fall asleep! But, no… and no sleeping in when bedtime is late, either!
Mmmm… KitKats. I think I might need to stash a few in the freezer. :)
May 6th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I remember those days….oh wait that was last week. My 4yr is convinced that he can’t sleep “wif out a gwoan-up”. Maybe plan a day of “go, go, go” that’s timed perfectly so that their little heads don’t fall asleep on the way home (that is ALWAYS what kills me!) - then they will be so tired that it will be easier to hit the “reset” button on bedtime?!
May 6th, 2008 at 9:59 am
oh yeah. similar scenario at our house. we say bedtime — sam says hungry. he says eat and we cave thinking of starving children with extended bellies, and then he proceeds to talk to his father in long incomprehensible paragraphs about dinos and cows. it’s really lovely.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I’m exhausted just reading this! It’s funny how that bedtime creeps later and later. When I put the kids down, it’s usually pretty much on time. When Dad (AKA: Captain Pushover) does it, it’s an endless party of Dancing With The Stars, reading a story, acting out the story, making up another story, etc etc. Needless to say, they MUCH prefer to see him coming into the room than me! Works for me if I get to go off in another room to eat cookies and watch grown-up TV.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I think I just peed my pants laughing.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
This was soooo funny–except if you’re living through it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who hides the chocolate and eats it after they’re asleep–and if they would just GO TO SLEEP ALREADY so I can have my treat!
May 7th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
This is exactly my life.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:13 am
“American Parenting Idol” hahahahaha. Seriously, very funny. Could you imagine that? Thanks for making me laugh.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I hate bedtime. It’s the worst part of the day. All the negotiating and pleading and losing of my mind. I dread it every night.
The other night, I got so pissed, because I was tired and really as you said, it’s all about getting to go to sleep yourself (after eating the hidden chocolate of course) that I changed out of my pajamas and put on a bra and street clothes to rush out of my house in a huff. I made a great big point, didn’t I?
You won’t go to bed “Mommy’s outta here”. Door slam.
Note - his father was home, I did not abandon him. He’s almost 5 and lately, it’s so much easier to just walk away.
Rock on Tiffany.