electric boogaloo

I am on a diet. It’s a modified version of the Specific Carb Diet, which has been proven to improve digestive and general health. The Specific Carb Diet is a clear, well-researched plan that is very, very easy to follow as long as you are careful not to live in modern society around any people who eat food.

So I modified it.

The Very Specific Carb Diet
Day 1:
An embarrassing amount of cashews
Water
Fruit

Day 2:
Spanish roasted peanuts
Water
Fruit
1 Coke

Day 3:
Spanish peanuts
Water
1 vegetable (not potatoes or other starchy veg.)

Day 4:
Cashews
Water
Salad + An entire pizza buffet

Day 5:
Cashews
Water
Sour cream chicken enchiladas with beans, rice, chips, and queso.
Coke

Day 6:
Cashews
Water
Bacon

Day 7:
Wendy’s bacon cheeseburger
Coke, because it comes with a coke! You can’t just waste coke.
Non-starchy Vegetables or fruit
Water

Repeat days 1 - 7 forever, gradually adding in more vegetables and phasing out bread and rice. So far I’m doing great. If I’m able to stick to it, I’m going to market this diet as revolutionary road to health and weight loss. Not that you will actually lose weight on it, but how is that any different than other diets? And with mine you have to eat pizza!

In other mundane suburbanite life news, Graham hurt himself yesterday. It had been a long day, we woke up painfully early to take Nicolaus to his five-year checkup. (He is very healthy, needed no shots, weighs only 39 pounds, may eventually need glasses, and wasn’t very cooperative in general. Ah, genetics.)

After the doctor’s visit — which was a family affair — we came home, ate messily, then drove downtown, turned around drove back to a different suburb to go to a nature center and see animals. Then play play play, drive drive drive, eat Mexican food (because of my diet), then play some more outside the restaurant. They have these big rocks for kids and drunk people to play with, so the kids played.

Graham was running, holding a big round rock, when he fell. He caught himself with the rock-holding hand, so he didn’t bump his head but did smash the hell out of his finger. The nail was cracked all the way through and blood pooled under it and oh God. Poor kid. He howled and howled and made the whole world feel awful for him.

I mentally looked up the proper treatment for a busted fingernail. The treatment, which I found in the same imaginary book as my diet, is this:
1. Rinse the wound and closely inspect for signs of breakage
2. Wrap in bandage or bandaid to stop bleeding
3. Make a fancy “RRRrrrawrrr!” noise at child and encourage him to be a monster, to confirm that child can bend fingers at all.
4. Administer strawberry milkshake, by mouth
5. Watch for signs of breakage/reasons to freak out. Child is probably fine but! may need to be rushed to ER at any moment!

The milkshake worked, although he still won’t let me touch his finger without crying. He did scare me right before bed. All of a sudden he doubled over and started crying and saying that he was cold. Did you see Watership Down? Holy shit. He said he was cold inside his tummy, cried, walked all stiff and weird, and curled up in my lap where he whimpered and begged for warm pajamas.

I panicked. Did he have some kind of toxic shock from the injury? Tetanus? Sudden-onset jaundice? Post-traumatic stress?

Then he burped and felt much better.

Gas from the milkshake, was all.

Which is why (full circle!) milkshakes are not allowed on the diet.