September 25th, 2008
For anyone who misses the olden days of Dooce.com
I want to write about poop. Well, really I don’t – that’s disgusting – but my life involves a lot of poop these days and since this is intended to document this time in our life it would be dishonest to ignore the poopcentric nature of having young kids. Although, maybe it isn’t this way for everyone. In fact, now I’m thinking almost definitely not because otherwise those “What to expect” books would’ve included like eight chapters each about poop.
Poop stinks. It smells really bad and sometimes you can’t tell where it is, like a fire engine with sirens that are coming from everywhere and you can’t figure out if you need to move out of the way or not. Only instead of sirens, it’s a smell like poop and oh my GOD there it is.
When Nicolaus was younger, he was considerate enough to be constipated throughout toddlerhood. Not Graham. Graham personally contributed his weight in poop-filled diapers to the local landfill every day for almost three years. It was gross and continuous and really made me hesitate to ever try potty training him.
But now that the potty era has dawned in the land of Graham, his system is all Woah WTF OMG etc. The poor kid is so absolutely determined not to have this sort of accident that he will sit on the toilet forever. At first I was such a good mom about it. I’d sit by his side and cheer him on. I’d supply books and activities. I’d tell the story of the Three Bears and drag it out for thirty minutes with textured character development and foreshadow, just so he wouldn’t get bored. But honestly, I don’t have a great attention span. As the 2-hour poop event became a nightly thing and I found myself giving a more abridged version of the three bears: Once upon a time there were three bears! Mamabeardaddybearbabybear! Porridge! They left. Then Goldilocks came! Too hot! Too cold! Just right! Chair – too high, too low, just right! And so on!
Which he didn’t seem to mind, but still. Pretty lame on my part. Then I got him all set up, said some cheerful words, wished him well, handed him a pen and some paper to draw on and then said “Oh! I’ll be right back!”
Then I didn’t come right back. I folded laundry and helped Nicolaus type a story about Star Trek and did some other things, and called, “Graham, you doing okay in there?”
“Yeahhhhh. But I’m! not! finished!”
I cruise back by to check on him just in time to applaud a successful poop and to help him get down and wipe and flush and everything.
Basically it’s like an airline pilot, right? All the hard work is at the beginning and the end of the process. The rest is just me waiting and being nearby in case something terrible happens. Like if the airplane falls off the toilet somehow and hits its head on the floor the pilot is there to come running to hug the airplane and everything and help the airplane get back up on the potty.
Anyway, thanks to my own lameness he is gaining great independence at this thing. I’m giving him juice to help get things moving again, and in the meantime he is weirdly content to sit and wait patiently for the great event.
And oh when the event comes, how we celebrate! First, he invites us all to check out his creation. Then he tells us what it resembles. So far this week, he has produced a man with two legs and no arms, a bird, a tiny little rectangle, Jupiter, and a machine that makes motorcycles or maybe trucks. Then I put him in the bath because he just spent thirty loosely-supervised minutes drawing all over his arms and legs with a pen.
So potty training is going pretty well. He got the whole system down perfectly after less than 2 weeks. Then two days later the novelty wore off and he started telling me NO whenever I suggested he might need to go potty at some point, which led to him peeing everywhere. But like most things that are horrifyingly awful before they become easy, it’s a process, not an event.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:10 am
It’s good that you let him work things out for himself and don’t turn poop time into play time, or else he’ll end up like my husband, where no bowel movement can be completed in under 60 minutes even though we only have one bathroom and come on! I need to pee and brush me teeth! Please hurry up! Please? Hurry? Do I need to get a jar and pee in that? Please don’t make me do that. Please.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:16 am
It’s faded away some, but you have accurately described my now-5-year-old son’s pooping habits here. It still takes him foreeeeeveeeerrrr and he still, erm, names most of his excretions. We’ve got the “snake poop”, the “bullet poop”, the “laser gun poop” and so on and so on and… I dunno, are they going to be performance artists or what?
Also. When he flushes, it’s to the ringing adieu: “So long, stinky!”
September 25th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
My son mostly like flushing the toilet. As in, will sit on the potty for a few minutes, then declare he has peed…which he has not…just so he can flush the toilet. Although, not quite 2, so I have no expectations for potty training anyway. Who knew I had to look forward to naming the shapes of the poop like clouds!
September 25th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I guess that’s how people end up spending a long time on the toilet. I can’t understand reading material in the bathroom. You go in, do your business, get out. But I suppose toddlers are different. Good luck. And, the next place you live? you might want to get one with two bathrooms.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Is it weird that I’m jealous you have the oportunity to examine the poop in the toilet? What I wouldn’t give to have poop to compare to other non-poop objects. My three year old will sit on the potty for no more than 5 minutes than declare success without success. Grrr.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Muffin used to tell me what shape her poops were…the weirdest? A Challah poop. She was right – it did look like Challah.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Love your drawings, was referred to your blog by my highschool friend Kathryn. Not looking forward to potty training my baby someday, sounds like so much work! :-)
September 25th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
It will happen. I promise.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I look at your posts and hope that I can only hope to become such a good mama as you. Bravo.
And you may want to print this out and stick it up on the wall to aid in descriptive terms: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
September 25th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Oh, Jen, thanks for the chart link! I always wondered what they did in Bristol. I think maybe I will put it up in my bathroom just for a reference point….
September 26th, 2008 at 11:15 am
If you like that, wait until you see the Internationally recognized Bob Evans Sausage Scale (Ideally 3-4: like a poop, but no cracks and with sage!)
September 26th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
At least he is actually, uh, *producing*. My child initiates potty-sitting marathons that culminate in… nothing.
And as far as the ritual of identifying what was produced… do I see a new series of flashcards in your future?
September 26th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I saw this and thought of you:
http://periodicvideos.com/#
It’s a video version of the periodic table of the elements.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Jen I – wow! How disturbing and wonderful that someone worked so hard to develop that. And the Bob Evans… wow.
Thank you Brigid! I swear I learn more from comments on my blog than any other blogger learns from comments on their blog.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
“Good-bye, poop! Have fun in Poopland!”
September 26th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Eliana hates to poop. For some unknown reason this works with her and Talia when she was this age. I tell her that the poop needs to go home to its mommy. When she flushes she yells “g’bye poops, go home to your mom..you hurt my butt”.
and I feed her lots of mandarin oranges.
September 27th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
The ‘middle part’ of piloting also sometimes includes dodging thunderstorms, but basically, that’s about right. And just imagine how comforted you would be if you were boarding a flight and saw the pilot tenderly hugging the airplane!
September 30th, 2008 at 9:15 am
In case you’re wondering who your facebook fan is…it’s me. :)
Hope Graham is still doing well…
j
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