electric boogaloo

Woah. So clearly there is a seething molten anger that rests just below the surface of polite society. I’ve so completely enjoyed reading all of the many ways that you are freaks.

Here are my own crazy pet peeves:
1. What a coincidence! This event/moment was led up to by all of the events/moments that led up to it!
In Castaway, Tom Hanks shows up at his girlfriend’s house and she hugs him and says “I knew you were alive all along… I just knew it.”
Well I’m sure the families of the other passengers just knew they had survived and were out there somewhere. But they were wrong.
And side note: If she really just knew it, why the hell did she marry somebody else? Awwwkward.

Or: “Wow, that is spooky that you called! I was just thinking about you.”
Of course you were thinking about me. I’m your daughter and I’m awesome. You think about me all the time.

2. My mother in law will say things like “What? I’m not going to stay away from your baby just because he has a horrible contagious violent illness. I’d rather me have it than him.”

?? What is that? That’s a kind of logical fallacy that Socrates didn’t even think to name. It’s like… just… Jesus.

3. Marketing people. All of it, every thing they do or say.

Wow, you guys are right – it does feel good to list those out.

I need to go to sleep, but there’s this mental list of things I want to jot down before bed.

Over Thanksgiving, Nicolaus had one night of a fever and a croupy cough followed by three days of the saddest case of laryngitis ever to affect a human. Stripped of his superpower, he refused to give up even as he tried to tell us all of the features of his new spaceship design and was reduced to squeaks and hoarse whispers. He whispered emphatically, waved his arms, invented a complete sign language which none of us could understand. Finally he gave up, curled up in front of the television, and whispered to himself.

Kevin said “My god. It’s like watching a puppy with no legs who won’t give up trying to play with a ball.”

Speaking of speaking, Graham is now in speech therapy. We are hoping to soon be able to understand much more of what he says, because the stuff we do catch is so great.

“Does a house mean it has a roof? Why does it have to?”

“Mama! Look! I wrote MAMA. I wrote your name! Look!” He was very excited, so I looked. And there on the page were three large wobbly letters: P I G
Now I know why my dad used to mutter this quiet reminder, “It’s not nice to say fuck you to your children…”

“Wanna see… BROWN?” – if you say yes — which you have no choice — he pulls up his shirt and flashes you with his glorious pink belly and chest. Because we are all shades of brown, afterall.

“I don’t love myself.” He insists that he doesn’t love or like himself. We finally figured out that it isn’t a self esteem issue, it’s that he thinks love means affection for another person. The idea of loving yourself makes as much sense as jumping out and yelling boo to scare yourself.

Same goes for his definition of friends. Friends are other children that he is familiar with. Adults he knows and loves dearly cannot be his friends, but kids he saw across a crowded diner? Friends 4 EVER.

He’s frustrated though when friends do not return his affection. After gymnastics class last week he sighed, “I told all my friends I’m not going to kill them today, but they didn’t answer me.”
There are times when it’s probably good that people can’t understand everything he says.

There was more to this post but I still need to randomly select a random winner and sleep a few hours before the day begins. Oh! It’ll be Kevin’s birthday.

Update: The winner is styleygeek. Who I chose randomly and then laughed at the comment because it included special begging. What a spooky coincidence, it was meant to be, etc.