electric boogaloo

My brain is better, I think. Of course – where am I getting this information? So it’s hard to say for sure, but the people around me seem less irritable and more at ease with me being awake, so I’m going to take that as a good sign.

Side effects so far: dreams are not as detailed and interesting as usual. Though I think I did dream something very funny about an old man who came to the present from 1,000 years in the past via time travel, but it was confusing see because he looked so old. People thought he meant that he was a thousand years old and it was very funny in a Three’s Company way to watch him try to explain that he’s only 90-something, even though – sigh, yes, well he was born some thousand years ago but that’s not how it works and – oh nevermind.

But the texture of my dreams is normally a lot more interesting and fun. These are sort of like watching a movie while half asleep.

Other side effect: Is there a word that means “full of words”? I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel very… wordy. If I actually posted everything here that I want to post right now, you’d all run away for good. And how!

So I won’t.

So. How’s it going? Anything… good on the internet?

Graham was in a horrible mood today which – please forgive me – is almost entertaining. He wants so bad to be awful, to tell us all to fuck off, to throw the tantrums his brain is demanding. But part of him likes us, and is embarrassed, and wants a hug, and wants to tell us a joke. He was howling and furious because he couldn’t cut. It is his right to cut, and he is very good at cutting, and he wanted to cut and I – an unreasonable whore of a mother – was saying no. So we faced off.

“Graham. Put the scissors down and stop throwing a fit. If you don’t stop it, you will go to your room.”

He stood, old-western style and stared at me, deciding what to do. His face quickly morphed from one expression to the next. He scowled… then melted into sad. Then shifted to an angry pout. Then – a tiny twitch of a smile? Back to scowl. Then a flash smile. Then hurt. Outrage! Half a smile followed by a look of total confusion.

He needed help. I scooped him up and gently took the scissors, swirled him around and changed the subject. We moved on, until the next human rights violation occurred four minutes later. Dinner was announced, and he wanted to eat but also wanted to bring his paper boat to the table but we didn’t hear him so we said just come and eat, and he thought that meant no you can’t bring your lousy boat to the fucking table, so he howled and we told him to quit it and

I’m doing it, aren’t I? I told you. It’s a problem. Maybe there’s a wordpress plugin that will auto-cut a third of what I write.

When he messes up, he hides his eyes. It’s should be infuriating that this otherwise capable person pees everywhere but my god, he looks like a little rabbit with his paws over his little face and it just makes me want to hug him until I gobble him up, but not in a violent child-eating way. In a oooooh I just can’t squish him hard enough way.

Nicolaus meanwhile was more bouyant than usual, and he chatted with us and instructed us on the ways of many things. The kid is writing a book of funny history… he dictates while I type, then he draws pictures and he wants me to print the whole thing out and make him famous somehow. Here are the entries he has come up with so far:

Nicolaus Copickleus
Discovered that the Sun goes around the Earth and THAT all goes around ANOTHER SUN.

Julius Meaner
Julius Meaner was an emperor in Rome. He was called Meaner because he was really mean and one time he killed Jesus. His reward from God was to get stabbed.

I have got to find the picture for that one because it is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Julius Caesar is standing there with blood gushing out everwhere and there are knives that his friends threw down and he’s saying something like “Oh I’m dying” – and there’s a beautiful angel up at the top saying “HER IS YUR REWRD.”

When Nicolaus tells this story he almost can’t talk he’s laughing so hard. “You know, your reward for killing Jesus?” Hahaha. Ha. Alright so technically Caesar predated Christ but the premise is still pretty funny. He cracks up telling it because haha! REWARD? Being killed? Get it? That’s not a very nice reward!

I love this kid. He is so damned weird.

Today was Kevin’s ten year anniversary of being married to me on purpose. When we explained this to Nicolaus and told him we were all going out to lunch to celebrate he asked why we were celebrating now, ten years later, instead of you know – like, at the time we actually got married. Because. We had our wedding that day and it was so stressful and exhausting that we weren’t up for going out to eat afterwards.

Oooh and! We have declared Saturdays our family art day. Tomorrow is the first one – we’re all going to work on projects and make a giant mess in my studio. Then we’ll clean it all up and go to the grocery store. I’m trying this new thing with cooking at home, and it’s almost becoming fun in a sick, satisfying way because hey look at me I’m acting like a regular person.

Okay shhhhh. I’m going to stop now.