Stupid outrages:
1. Stickers on avocados that say “RIPE” but then in teeny letters “when soft”. That’s like saying Buy this one! It will be ripe just as soon as it is ripe!

2. Gluten-free Thanksgiving where I don’t take the time to make myself some gravy and dressing and stuff = turkey and… oh. Right! Turkey.

3. Graham’s crown on his front tooth fell off again. They put it on a year ago, it fell off when I let him eat rock candy because we were studying crystals and whether or not his mother is an idiot. Dentist put it back on. $100. Then a month later it fell off just for the heck of it. Dentist put it back on for free and said this was highly unusual. A few weeks later and it’s gone. Now I wish we’d thought to make it a drinking game from the start.

4. I have a cold. Kevin has the same cold, but he started his a day later, which makes it hard for us to synchronize our sympathy requests.

5. The lines at the post office are unreal lately. They tell me it’s because they’re short handed on account of everyone keeps calling in sick. Graham, please get off the floor and stop touching everything.

6. I am in no hurry for my kids to grow up. This is a wonderful time in so many ways. But I have to say that I will not miss the degree to which my life requires me to deal directly with poop.

7. Yesterday — and I wish there were another way to describe this well-intentioned and generous-hearted undertaking — my father in law got into a fight with our washing machine. After many hours and only one request for a band-aid, he declared that he had won! IN YOUR FACE, Kenmore. He kicked its ass. Possibly with a hammer. We might need a new washing machine if Kevin can’t repair the damage this weekend.

Stupid awesomes:
1. My dog might bark at every noun that moves in the apartment building and he might be difficult to train and walk and all but whatever. He pees and poops in a box of pine sawdust. Do you know what this means?? NO standing out in the cold rain while he runs in sniffing little figure eights, getting tangled in the bushes and trees because his ancestors didn’t have leashes. NO more trying to guess when he is barking because he needs to go out rather than barking because someone, somewhere made a noise that we should know about. No more stepping in randomly-placed accidents (or “onpurposements” as Kevin once called them). Because he pees and poops in one place! And that place is very easy to keep clean! And I might be way too excited about this.

2. Graham invented my new favorite insult: dong whistle
Usage: “Daddy, you are you know what? A dong whistle!”
Meaning: A whistle that when you blow it instead of making a nice whistle noise sounds like this DONG!! And is that a very good whistle?? NO. It isn’t! And that’s why you are a dong whistle.

3. I suddenly realized that several of my favorite mom and pop Mexican restaurants are actually part of a chain. Oh! Well no wonder I like them! It made me feel happy for the owners. Good on them, opening several locations all with yummy chips, despite local overt pressure to GO HOME. To Texas? To south Atlanta? It’s not clear.

4. Focus group testing.
Yesterday Graham tossed a toy metal airplane at Kevin. “Ow,” Kevin said.
Then Graham tossed a second metal airplane at Kevin, hitting him on the leg. “OW. Graham! You are hurting me.”
Graham told him, “I know, I was trying to hurt you. Now,” and he laid the two planes on the floor facing Kevin, “Which one hurt more?”

Super awesomes:
Sales aren’t over the top but considering that this is a horrible idea for a time to launch a business, we’re doing surprisingly well this season. With so many struggling to pay rent and buy food and things, it’s nice to know that we, as a global economy, have our priorities in order and will continue to buy cute sciencey things for our babies.

We’ll have organic infant onesies ready any minute now and cute notecards and! Wooo new wholesale accounts! Including one that I’m not sure I can say the name of just yet. It um… shhhhh. Okay it rhymes with Pink Beak. The boys very very much enjoyed their donuts.