So Graham has been a baby chicken for a few days. It happens. He hatched out of a fleece blanket on Monday and has been a baby bird ever since. I say his name and he corrects me, “Actually. You don’t really know what my name is because and did you realize? I’m a stranger from a different family. And I’m a baby bird and you don’t even know what KIND of a bird I am.”

So then I have to guess his name which isn’t Graham, it’s Lyra, but if you jump right to the correct answer without a bunch of wrong guesses then you aren’t playing it right and the baby chicken will be annoyed.

Anyway. Tonight I was tucking him in with hugs and goodnights and I love yous and no you can’t have more water because it’ll make you pees.

“I love you, Graham.”

“Actually, you don’t really know my name because did you realize? I’m seriously a. stranger. From another family.”

“Right!”

“And also I’m a baby bird and I can’t fly yet. I just hatched today.”

“I know, I remember.”

“And do you know what my name is?”

“Hmmm… is it Gramblor?”

“No.”

“Is it Gorilla?”

“No!”

“Garfield? Ooh I know! Gavin.”

“It doesn’t start with a G.”

“OHhh right. Is it Lyra?”

“YES. It IS Lyra.”

“Okay well, goodnight, Lyra. I love you.”

“Tweet tweet! Tweet!”

“Tweet tweet!”

“Why did you tweet? How do you know how to speak bird language?”

“Oh I don’t really. I was just copying you to try and answer you.”

“But you said the same thing I said right back to me. I said tweet tweet! And you said just that same exact tweet back to me.”

“Alright well anyway. I love you, little bird. Tweet!”

He smirked. Hugged me. Said I love you. But then he busted out laughing in a deep, body-racking laugh… “And you just used potty talk. IN BIRD LANGUAGE. And you didn’t even…” he could barely breathe he was laughing so hard. “You said something that was actually potty talk and you didn’t even recognize that it was potty talk and…” the rest I couldn’t even understand because he was laughing so hard at his own weird joke.

And so I say to you, goodnight, Internet. And also: TWEEEEEEET.

See for retailers, the Christmas rush is late November – late December. But where do they get all of that stuff? From businesses that make the stuff. Those businesses have to have all of their stuff made and packaged and shipped to the retailers by November 1 so the retailers have time to organize it and price it and everything before you show up frantic to buy it.

To hit that November deadline, we spend all of September making things. Then we spend all of October packing and shipping and billing and UPS tracking and freaking out about shipments. Then we spend November and December filling orders direct to the public. Then January we rest because OMG and we go visit family and we all get sick. February is cold and grumpy except for Nicolaus’ birthday. Then March and April we don’t do anything because the weather is nice and we’re too stupid to look ahead a couple of months. In May and June we make samples to send out to retailers saying hey look! We could make this for the holidays! Then in July they say okay great! But change it like this and make it for less money, please. We spend August figuring out how to do that and then it’s time for the holiday panic again.

Late October: house is a maze of boxes. It’s the opposite of everything Apartment Therapy would ever tell me to do. We have two large forts in the living room made of uncollated flash cards, plus a smaller barricade in the dining room. Then there’s my office which is full of posters, baby clothing, blank paper, packing supplies, and things the boys make for me. There is no flow, no feng shui, just a sea of brown boxes and white papers and plastic dinosaurs scattered around. The place looks awful but I don’t care because if success can be measured in the number of square feet consumed by boxes then things are going well.

Five years ago when we were packing and overtaping and shipping our nine orders for the entire holiday season, I had this vision — inspired by other arty family selly types like Holly and the Super Hero lady — of Kevin and I packing up great big orders like it was part of normal life to pack up great big orders while our kids bounced around nearby. And now look! This is it! This is that vision! Now where the hell did I put the tape gun?

We aren’t to the point where Kevin can quit his day job but every holiday season feels like a huge move in that direction. We are making money and slowly paying down debt and hopefully building momentum. Along those lines, we are busy busy busy omg right now and yet my brain chose this time to obsess over products for next year. We have been trying to think bigger and come up with ideas that could have broader appeal while still staying true to our mission of geeking up people’s nurseries and having fun while doing it. So here’s what we’re working on for 2011…
mobiles (math and biology so far)
blankets (bio, physics, cosmology)
paper dolls and toys (for slightly older kids)
coloring book
growth charts
new prints
wooden play sets
more jewelry options for grownup nerds, including bracelets and cufflinks.

BIG. FUN but! It sucks to have all of these exciting ideas in the middle of crazy holiday rush season. Kevin keeps suggesting that next year I should try to have ideas in the springtime when we are not busy. Yes, excellent, very helpful. Now help me figure out how to assemble this mobile.

In the meantime, we still have children. They are wonderfully self managing most of the time. That’s new. In past years the holiday season was made more challenging because I had to construct an elaborate system of pullies that allowed me to tether my kids around my waist, move freely to pack orders, and yet hold them a minimum of 4 feet away from each other. Hassle.

But last year we had a barely four and a six year old. Now we have a five year old (and by the way? Did you hear? Graham is five now. He used to be four, but now? He’s five. Have you heard? He’s five.) and a very grownuppish almost eight year old.

Nicolaus is quiet lately. If you’re new here, this is the child:
* who talked right through three days of laryngitis which probably wouldn’t have lasted as long if he could have given his vocal cords a rest but that would have involved not talking so: three days.
* who as a toddler used to refuse to eat because we told him you can’t talk with your mouth full.
* whose running commentary has served as a cowbell letting us know where he is and what he’s doing every minute of the day since he was a year old.
* sometimes can’t sleep at night, and we tell him to try not talking for just a few minutes. Amazing! It works better than ambien.
* talks while he’s working, he talks while he walks to the bathroom, he talks while he pees.
* When he was tiny and could only say a couple of words, he said them over and over. Whatever words he had access to, he expressed them continuously.

(So now you’re all caught up on the last six years of this blog. Oh and also: I’m tired and I used to throw up a lot. Oh and a dog name Mouse and I also have boobs that at one time fed children. There. Now we’re caught up.)

But over the last few months the kid has changed. We’re on the back half of seven, now he’s closer to eight than six. It’s so weird! We can SEE it. He’s the exact same person he has always been — busy working and kinetic and serious and funny and full of Nicolausness — but now he’s quiet. People who know him keep asking him if he’s okay. He says “Yeah, I’m just thinking and not really saying anything.”

Oh don’t worry though because Graham? Has got it covered. He will happily expand to fill the void left by Nicolaus talking less. Do you want to know what kind of shoes a person wears who is in charge of taking care of animals? Do you want to know what it’s called when the moon looks bigger and bigger? Do you like stickers? Have you seen the movie Pocahontes? And did you know that Graham IS Pocahontes? And also?

Plus infinity.

In any case they are doing a beautiful job of amusing themselves in the afternoons so we can get orders packed. They’re in a local chess club and oh my gosh the cuteness of them playing is distracting. I ordered them each a set with colored pieces. Nicolaus picked green and black. He likes to always be black. Green is his favorite color, it being the most naturey color. So when you play chess with him, Greens are black and blacks are white.

If you play using Graham’s set, then purple is black and pink is white and you’d better watch out because he is a mean player and his beautiful fancy pink queen will tear you UP.

This was going to be a quick five minute entry but now look what happened. Anyway. What? Seven big boxes went out today, two more tomorrow, and more on Monday. People are awesome for buying our things. Thank you, consumers! We love you for creating a giant fort in our home.

This happens almost every year, I start working on product ideas for next year and then have to figure out how we would make them. My next step is to start pestering companies who could maybe help make certain components. And it goes like this:
“Hi, I’d like to get a quote please. We need to have paper scnoodle zonkers made. They need to be forty-five feet in diameter, which I understand is a standard size.”

“That’s nice, dear. (head pat) But you see we make these for businesses. Not individuals with silly girly names.”

“Oh! I am also a business. Nerdy Baby.”

“Haha Nerdy Baby, that’s cute. Anyway… I don’t know. You do realize that paper schnoodle zonkers cost a lot of money right? Are you SURE you want us to give you a quote?”

“Yes, please do! That way I’ll know whether we can afford them or not.”

“I mean we are talking hundreds of pennies. EACH. Our each includes a set of ten but still.”

“That sounds fine as a ballpark, yes definitely. Please give me a quote for these specifications…”

“We also have minimum orders. HORRIBLE minimum orders. We’re talking minimum order quantities that have melted the brains of weaker humans. Are you sure you even want us to bother quoting this for you?”

“But on your website it says there are no minimums on custom work.”

“Right but that’s not for custom work. For custom work we have minimums.”

“But — alright. What’s your minimum order?”

“I would have to find out.”

“… okay.”

“…”

“Are you going to find out?”

“What?”

“Your minimum order. What’s your minimum order?”

“Oh. Well we won’t even touch any order that’s less than $200. And for custom stuff — I’m going to guess it’ll be like 2,000 pieces.”

“I can handle it. I just need the information and then we can decide the best way to proceed. OR if you have any suggestions for how to solve this problem in a way that uses your equipment more efficiently…”

“Fine, I’ll quote it.”

“Thank you.”

So I hang up, feeling like I just won an arm wrestle. I don’t actually know what winning an arm wrestle feels like except against little kids, but I bet it feels like THERE, damn you! There.

Then a few days later they come back with a quote. Each Schnoodlebot will be $5.00. Alright, that’s good! Perfect. I can add on a couple of dollars, sell it to retailers for $7, then they can double it and sell it to customers for $14 and everybody’s happy. All made in the USandA. Yay!

Oh but then there’s the but. There’s always a but. BUT we can’t do this one part of the project which is the point of the whole thing. OR we can do it all! But we just now decided that our minimum order is 10,000 pieces which would not only cost $50,000 but where exactly do you plan to store 10,000 of anything? Hahaha oh and we don’t offer payment plans or any sort of financing.

So you see? I believe very strongly in worker’s rights, and I don’t see the point in even owning a company if the first thing we’re going to do is run to China and add to the problem. But you see why I get tempted?

Oh and they make it so easy. These Chinese factories guys are like Lefty the trench-coated salesman ready to move in and offer you something.
“Hi, I’d like a quote on Skeezix Mandlebrots please.”

“Yes fine hi, you want 1,000? I send you free samples. Best quality.”

“How much are they? Here are my custom specifications.”

“Easy, we do this all the time. Four cents each, turnaround time is two weeks delivered, 1,000 is our minimum.”

“Wait, two weeks? And that’s like forty bucks! What about your worker conditions?”

“Oh do not worry at all about our workers. For no extra charge we will beat children with bamboo rods for ten minutes before they work on your product each day. That makes them work faster, best quality product.”

So you see? You see how it is?

Don’t worry, I’m not doing it. It’s just interesting to be on this side of it and see how really difficult it is to actively sidestep the issue. There are fewer places in the US that can make this stuff anymore, and the ones that can aren’t interested in fooling with the small customers. I even had one potential vendor tell me that he could either produce my stuff in China for $5000 and it would take six weeks, or for $10000 he could use his WINK domestic USA factory and it would still take six weeks but do not worry WINK WINK it will say “Made in USA” on the box and as far as you know, Ms. Ard, it will all be produced here in Florida where I the factory owner definitely live even though I only answer emails between the hours of 8 pm and 6 am EST.

I was so disturbed and — ugh. The more I research the choices, the more I go back and forth between why does anyone send anything to be made in China ?and OMG how does anyone get anything produced anywhere other than China?

So this was my freakout last night. I stayed up until 5:00 in the morning looking for great people and places that could help me make my stuff. When I went to bed my brain was full of numbers and words and stress and frustration.

The boys woke me up at 9. Something about breakfast? I don’t know. I put them off for a little while before shuffling to the bathroom and dragging myself to the kitchen. Four hours of sleep is exactly the worst amount. More than a nap, less than a night. But four hours of sleep was enough for me to decide: no. We are just going to have to wait until we have the money to invest in the larger quantities produced by workers in decent conditions. It sucks. I get very excited about oooh what if! What if we made this! And these? And oh oh oh this would be SO GREAT.

But. If I had a time machine would I use it to go back and pay plantation owners to produce fabric for me, knowing it was all being made by slaves? No because that’s plainly wrong. Slavery = wrong is something we settled as a society already. It’s wrong, almost everyone I know thinks it’s wrong (yeah, I said almost. How disturbing is that?), literature and history books and basically our entire culture is built on the idea that we just aren’t into that sort of thing. Because we’re BETTER than that.

So I’m no fancy economist or ethicist but how is sending work around the world to the child exploitation and human trafficking capital of the universe any different? It’s just finding a way around modern labor laws, a way of feeling morally superior to business owners of the industrial revolution because oh my god back then people were so greedy and ignorant they made people work until their fingers were worn down into little stubs, they made five year olds dart in and out of dangerous weaving equipment, they made people stand for hours with no breaks, no water, no sanitary place to eat a meal. Long hours, long days, no breaks. We can’t believe that America used to do that to people.

So would it be okay if I could send these jobs back to the 1800s in order to save money and lower the minimum quantities?

Like I said, if I’m going to do that then I might as well go back to work in an office doing marketing materials for great big ridiculous companies. No offense if you are a great big company. I don’t mean that YOU are ridiculous, I just mean… anyway. So. Kevin and I decided a long time ago to avoid manufacturing in china. And this week we decided it again. No China, and no any other place where workers are treated like they’re just — as my children say — pieces of poop.

I always feel vindicated when I make it to Friday. Ha! Week, you tried to kill me and you failed! Everyone’s alive, we drove places and cooked things and made it to things mostly on time except the dentist but that wasn’t my fault. The post office people laughed at me because I misplaced my phone and my keys in separate events within three minutes of each other, and lots of things on the list didn’t get crossed off but you know what? We made it.

And a lot of things DID get crossed off. Kevin and I made big strides on figuring out what new products we’re going to make next year. Dog trainer came and showed me how to growl and bark at my dog. Nicolaus learned multiplication. We all read and listened and watched lots of great stuff about dinosaurs. In the late hours of the night I printed out jillions of dinosaur-themed worksheets and coloring pages and dot to dots, even though Nicolaus repeatedly pointed out that putting a picture of a dinosaur on a worksheet doesn’t make it actually dinosaur related. Wiseguy.

Today Nicolaus made a dino dig kit for Graham out of paper. He used cardstock to make a tray with a lid. Then he cut out shapes of dinosaurs and then chopped them up into big chunks. Finally he made spikey confetti out of regular printer paper. Oh and! He made little paper tools to go with the set including a scraper, a chisel, and a brush. Then he walked Graham through the basics of finding and recovering a bone and sending it to the lab for analysis. To Graham’s frustration some of the skeletons had been deliberately made incomplete. Apparently Nicolaus finds it offensive and silly that the makers of toy dino digs always put an entire skeleton in the plaster, so there’s really no mystery to solve. He is king of the outraged consumer. Consumersaurus Rex! No wait. That would be the consumer lizard king and Jim Morrison already did that. Hmmm. Dinoconsumerus Rex? Terrible consumer king. Dang it.

Last week we were studying ancient ocean life and it spilled over into a general ocean week, so he made dozens of little paper ocean creatures with jointed mouths and moving flippers. It took him hours and oh my goodness I could become a really annoying homeschooling pusher if I didn’t watch myself but I will say this: The greatest gift of homeschooling is time. We are the masters of our own week and if we need to move things around to follow a hard question or deep interest, we have that freedom. The boys can become absorbed in a project and work on it until it’s finished and/or until the post office is about to close.

I don’t know how long we’ll keep the boys out of regular school. Graham says he wants to go to school, but not for the whole day. Just like two hours. We could enroll him in Kindergarten I guess and teach him how to fake an illness right before lunch time every day. I don’t know. Part time preschool maybe?

Nicolaus meanwhile loves all of his individual classes but says he never wants to go to another school fulltime. That’s going to make college interesting.

Kevin is a rock star. Introducing (datadadaaaaaa) at long last, our new line of Nerdy Baby jewelry.

These aren’t cast or mass produced. Kevin stamps each one out by hand. The whole process is kind of awesome… I need to have Nicolaus help me make a video showing how it all works.

Anyway, we are fabulously, dorkishly excited about these. Uncommon Goods took a huge chance on us by putting a brand new, untested item in their holiday catalog. So I don’t know if you’re into this sort of thing but if you have a second to help tell the world about these super cool necklaces, please do it. Blog or tweet or bookface about them, or tell your message board. And if you have friends outside of the computer well, heck look at you, you fancy extrovert! Next time you are square dancing with them or whatever it is real life groups of friends do together, please grab your partner do-si-do, tell them about the super cool sciencey jewelry that’s made by this (insert your own adjective) family that you know.

Oh and the best part is! It is all available for sale:
Neuron – did you know you have 100 BILLION neurons? Well make that one hundred billion and ONE!
You complete me – the cutest darn electrical circuit you ever did see
Cells are swell! – for the doctor or bio major in your life
Mind the gap – about connections and brain chemicals

Buy em up, folks.