1. I propose that we change the name of this tool:
And this tool:
we change to Batter Scraper.
And this tool:
and this one
shall be called Mr.Scoopy.
will be called Science Slurpee Straws
Will be called What Am I even Cooking Here? Fish? Is it fish? Let’s call this a Fish Turner.
2. I further propose that we change the name of Daylight Savings Time to something that will help people remember which way it goes. Like Moresleep’s Eve or something in the fall, and it could be a holiday which features drinking wine and being hungover. Then in the spring we could have something like Jumping Day. These will be fun holidays with little cakes and things, and they will be connected to the season rather than to each other.
3. For people with combo-type IBS, let’s make a pill that is half laxative and half immodium. I’m hoping that Stop-n-Go will license their logo to us. My backup name is Stopalax. Or Go-dium.
Similarly, I want a pill that’s half Ambien and half Provigil. It will make you stay awake for 24 hours, and that whole time you will be talking dreamstate nonsense. I’m trying to decide whether these should be packaged like the dual-flavor packs of Nerds, or if it should be half and half, OR smashed all together like shampoo+conditioner.
4. All parents who are frustrated by the way that high-stakes testing has hijacked education? Shall encourage their children to mark the letter C for every single answer to every question. This act of civil disobedience aims to shift the conversation back to what matters. How do we want to educate our kids? What’s the goal here? And how is handcuffing our best teachers to a test helping us reach that goal?
5. Further to this proposal, I humbly suggest that Jeggings be banned from this earth forever, not because I care about anyone else’s style choices but because they are that uncomfortable.