electric boogaloo

For my non-existant daughters

This list is going around facebook.
I don’t have daughters but I try to hand out this kind of motherly advice every time I meet young ladies. Here’s my version:

1. At least once in your life you should go for it. Cut your own hair. Use sharp scissors, a second mirror, and have fun with it. It’s just hair! Hair grows.

2. Never use bleach and ammonia together. For crying heck, what are you even trying to clean that you’re trying these two chemicals together? We live in the future. Get a flipping Magic Eraser.

But also, by the time you are 18 I hope you will understand enough about chemistry to know that the best case will make Chlorine gas and that stuff isn’t kidding around. Apparently you can also change the ratio to produce explosive toxic rocket fuel-levels of excitement. Don’t do that unless you have a good reason.

3. Learn how to use a fire extinguisher. Obviously good advice given your impulse to mix things that lead to exothermic reactions.

4. Don’t play manipulative little games with people you care about. Don’t fish for complements or set them up to say the wrong thing (ie “Do you love me?” or “does this tanktop make my elbows look pointy?”). That’s crappy and unfair.

5. Good friends are the ones who can make you laugh and who think you are amazing even if your ass is big, even if your boyfriend took off with Suzy, even if you accidentally burned her skin with ammonia and bleach.

6. When you ask a man, “What are you thinking?” and he replies “Nothing.”, he was thinking about you doing some craaaaAaazy sex thing.

7. Pizza is delicious! It’s one of the top 20 reasons for living on planet Earth. Go for whole wheat crust if it’s an option, go easy on meat ingredients, add a ton of vegetables. If you get it from a national chain it’ll be really salty, so drink a lot of water.

8. Learn how to use jumper cables and then hang out in parking lots in the winter. Great way to meet guys. “Looks like you need me to jump you…” WINK.

9. Men look at other girl’s boobs. Maybe you should look at girl’s boobs too? You never know what you might be into. You’re only 18.

10. Drinking is fun, but don’t rely on it for a good time. Have friends who are a lot of fun to be around even when everyone is sober. The only time I ever felt compelled to drink alcohol straight from the bottle was when I was at a party and ended up trapped talking to a girl who was so boring I thought I might die. There were no clean glasses. It was drink that shit or stab her in the face with a pen. I regret nothing.

11. Budgeting is good. Budgerigers are better. Badgers are not good. Budgets and budgies, not badgers. Badges are sort of neutral, although they can pull holes in your shirt if you’re not careful.

12. Separating laundry out into all different categories is a scam. Use cold water, don’t over do the soap, regular wash, low-heat dry, and boom. All of your clothes can be washed in harmony.

13. Smoking’s gross. Don’t do smoking.

14. No one knows what they want to be when they grow up. Just get a damned engineering degree and use the money you earn to pursue whatever you love to do.

15. Boys are human beings, just like girls. Don’t be intimidated by anyone of any gender. Don’t change yourself to impress or please them, don’t spend time with anyone who tries to make you feel ashamed of who you are.

Bonus! 16. Don’t fall for all the marketing hype. The only skin care products you need: Hot water, a washcloth, and moisturizer.

posted by electric boogaloo in Journal and have Comments (6)

6 Responses to “For my non-existant daughters”

  1. LynzM says:

    Your version is so much better. :D

  2. squirl says:

    Lots of good ones!!! My particular favorite is number 4. Don’t play shitty games and then get pissed at the person for not playing it your way.

  3. Nina says:

    I have never commented before, I don’t think, but I had to come and say thank you for your far, far superior version– the “original” version is more on the order of “how to ensure that your daughter grows up to be a neurotic, insecure perfectionist,” which is too bad.

  4. jlp says:

    Thank you.

    I would also add another bonus, #17: Be suspicious of all lists of things you should know, and certainly don’t expect them to be exhaustive.

  5. becca says:

    BEST EVER!
    Also, I gotta get me jumper cables.

  6. Ann Z says:

    I hadn’t seen that original list, I’m so happy that I read your list first – far, far better! That original list made me feel about as stabby as you probably felt at that party with the boring girl.

    Though I will admit that at 18, at the end of my freshman year, my roommate and I were facing a horrifically-bad smelling dorm refrigerator. It was nasty. So we laid it on its back and poured in some vinegar. And then we figured, bleach would probably help, too. So we poured in some bleach, too. And then we closed the refrigerator door. Then they evacuated the dorm. And now I know better. My former roommate is still a dear friend.

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