electric boogaloo

Hollyday/wood pitch #1

This year for Christmas my 10 year old is getting a hatchet, 100 crazy strong little magnets and 5 glow marbles with real Uranium in them.

And now I want someone to make a holiday movie where Santa brings kids gifts and it turns out that this whole time he doesn’t have any kind of liability coverage so a mean lawyer who doesn’t know the true meaning of Christmas brings a class action suit against him. There will be a lot of puns about the Santa Suit in the news. I mean really just that one pun, but the news people will say it a lot of times.

And there will be adorable scenes where kids take the stand and give speeches defending Santa. They’ll drive home the point that it’s not Santa’s fault; he wouldn’t have brought them dangerous gifts if they hadn’t asked him to. And the parents will be shocked to realize that they haven’t read their kid’s letter to Santa in years because even though they’re controlling helicopter parents, they also spend too much time on their ipads and iphones and things. And then they’ll feel really bad because if only they had known their kids were begging a stranger for Uranium they would’ve gotten more involved and maybe taken their child to therapy.

Meanwhile there’s a side plot where the NSA has been intercepting these letters to Santa, and they want to know what exactly this kid intends to do with uranium, a hatchet, and strong magnets. The parents end up on the no fly list and the dad who is too caught up in his career gets fired because he has to fly a lot for his important job.

Finally it will come out that the kid asked for those things because he spends all day watching You Tube and Netflix, and has fantasies that his real dad turns out to be Bear Grylls or Bill Nye or Theodore Gray or the guy with the crazy hair from Periodic Table of Videos.

In the end the jury will find that Santa is not liable because leaving out milk and cookies implies consent for him to enter people’s homes, and because he doesn’t leave these things unless kids ask for them.

And we all learn an important lesson about the importance of getting to do dangerous stuff sometimes, and not putting your career before your children, and not being so controlling of your kids’ safety. With a side lesson about the True meaning of CAUTION: Contains small magnets — which is to never ever ever swallow more than one magnet at a time.

posted by electric boogaloo in Journal and have Comments (4)

4 Responses to “Hollyday/wood pitch #1”

  1. Kat says:

    That is brilliant! Especially about swallowing multiple magnets, haha. What does he want the hatchet for?

  2. The pretense is that he needs to chop up (tree) limbs that fall in the yard.
    It’s the next logical step after pocket knife, second pocket knife, third pocket knife with a fancy design it and a locking blade.

    But really he just loves tools that aren’t supposed to belong to kids, and he’s sorta wanted one ever since he first heard My Side of the Mountain and that kid totally had an ax.

  3. Amy says:

    Please please tell me that he has read (or will be receiving soon) The Hatchet by Gary Paulsen? I adored that book at his age, it’s so good!

  4. Brenna says:

    1. This is the dream Christmas for my current 7-year-old, for when she turns 10. I see this coming.
    2. Make this movie, please.
    3. My kids definitely want to hang out at your house.
    4. They will bring their bone knifes and blow darts. (I’m actually not kidding, they made them in nature class.)

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