Hi, mom! :-)

I know how the sight of boobies freaks people out, so I kept my shirt on this time.
Oh and I know the artwork is really rough but you know what? Drawing is work. Sketching is fun, but really drawing is work. If I take the time fussing around until it looks really good, I’ll never get it posted. There are dozens of comics from the weeks after Graham was born, stuffed away in notebooks that I never scanned or did anything with because the artwork was crappy. So screw it! Blah. Here it is…

So. You probably already know that eating is boring and lame by itself. The only way to really enjoy a meal is to find something to play with while you eat. Here are a few good ideas for things you can almost always find to play with that make meals much more enjoyable…

1. Your own hair. Don’t expect a lot of sympathy when you pull your hair and cry because it hurts though. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have one of those kindly-looking mothers like the one on the box of breast pads, but my mother is a real wise ass.

2. Your own ear. Makes cool noises when you scratch your own ear. It’s like Ooooh! I hear the souuuunds of the wooooomb. Again, be gentle with it. unless your own mother is not a cackling-mother whore like mine is.

3. Your mother’s shirt. Particularly if she is attempting to do this in public. On a side note, why does she insist on doing that? To prove a point maybe? I don’t get it. Just take me home. For God’s sake, that’s why I’m screaming. I don’t want you to lift up your shirt right here at the mall playground and scar all of these innocent suburbanites for life. Seriously. I am NOT that hungry. I’m screaming because I hate the mall and I WANT TO GO HOME YOU STUPID HIPPIE.

4. Your mother’s face – especially fun to stick fingers in her mouth and tug on her lip over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

5. Her arm. If you’re lucky like me your mom has lots of groovy arm hair. It’s like petting a rabbit or something – V. nice, especially when you’re feeling sleepy.

6. Jewelry or whatever. Basically, if you don’t see anything cool to play with right off, just close your eyes and grope around. If you come across anything feels neat, grab it and PULL on it. As hard as you can! Results are always v. entertaining.

7. Any sort of fabric within easy reach. Or paper. Or telephone. Or dog. Or drink. Or laptop keyboard.

8. If nothing interesting is within sight, try reaching for cool stuff behind you. What I do is latch on extra hard so I can continue eating while I twist around to look at and reach for stuff behind me. She says “OWOWOWOWWWW” when I do this. Oh, like I speak English.

9. The rest of the boob. Best if you have fingernails to scratch with, but whatever.

10. The other nipple. If all else fails, just go for it. Pinch as hard as you can. I know, real creative, but the fact is that it WORKS. Completely hilarious entertainment, every single time.

1. Stand up.
2. Bend over and place your palms on the floor in front of you.
3. Walk your hands out as far as possible.
4. Look down at the floor
5. Pretend there’s something yummy to eat right there on the floor where your mouth is.
6. Eat.

That’s the breastfeeding position my baby invented this week. Similar to the yoga position illustrated here except the baby does the yoga while the mother lies on her back and tries to figure out exactly when her life went from being funny haha to funny queer.

Points awarded to Kevin for installing new vinyl floor in the kitchen: 100

Points awarded to me for painting the kitchen: 100

Points awarded to me for massive house cleanup/organizationathon in progress: 100

Points awarded to Kevin for taking the boys fishing at his parents’ place for the whole entire day leaving me here to bathe and paint and sleep and do whatever I want for the whole entire day, alone, by myself, without any of them here: 300

Points awarded to Graham for biting my nipple with actual teeth: ZERO

Points awarded to me for not throwing him off the bed or even saying the word “motherfucker” when he bit me: 35

(With actual teeth): Oh! 15,000.

Total for Kevin: 400
Total for me: 15,235