electric boogaloo

Hollyday/wood pitch #1

This year for Christmas my 10 year old is getting a hatchet, 100 crazy strong little magnets and 5 glow marbles with real Uranium in them.

And now I want someone to make a holiday movie where Santa brings kids gifts and it turns out that this whole time he doesn’t have any kind of liability coverage so a mean lawyer who doesn’t know the true meaning of Christmas brings a class action suit against him. There will be a lot of puns about the Santa Suit in the news. I mean really just that one pun, but the news people will say it a lot of times.

And there will be adorable scenes where kids take the stand and give speeches defending Santa. They’ll drive home the point that it’s not Santa’s fault; he wouldn’t have brought them dangerous gifts if they hadn’t asked him to. And the parents will be shocked to realize that they haven’t read their kid’s letter to Santa in years because even though they’re controlling helicopter parents, they also spend too much time on their ipads and iphones and things. And then they’ll feel really bad because if only they had known their kids were begging a stranger for Uranium they would’ve gotten more involved and maybe taken their child to therapy.

Meanwhile there’s a side plot where the NSA has been intercepting these letters to Santa, and they want to know what exactly this kid intends to do with uranium, a hatchet, and strong magnets. The parents end up on the no fly list and the dad who is too caught up in his career gets fired because he has to fly a lot for his important job.

Finally it will come out that the kid asked for those things because he spends all day watching You Tube and Netflix, and has fantasies that his real dad turns out to be Bear Grylls or Bill Nye or Theodore Gray or the guy with the crazy hair from Periodic Table of Videos.

In the end the jury will find that Santa is not liable because leaving out milk and cookies implies consent for him to enter people’s homes, and because he doesn’t leave these things unless kids ask for them.

And we all learn an important lesson about the importance of getting to do dangerous stuff sometimes, and not putting your career before your children, and not being so controlling of your kids’ safety. With a side lesson about the True meaning of CAUTION: Contains small magnets — which is to never ever ever swallow more than one magnet at a time.

posted by electric boogaloo in Journal and have Comments (4)

Jackson Pollen

Something I like: my kids notice textures and patterns and find beautifulness in every day stuff. This morning started with Nicolaus explaining this really pretty thing that happens with water when he was washing his hands, and the other night Graham didn’t want to throw away a broken cheap holiday ornament because LOOK how amazing! Look at the inside of it! They’re visual experience packrats.

So one evening last spring we were trudging across a road to get to our car, in a bit of a hurry for some boring grownup reason, when Graham stopped. “LOOK!!” I looked. Ugh, so in Georgia there is pollen everywhere that time of year. It’s so gross. Yellow powder dusts all over everything. It coats your car, it coats your clothes, it coats sidewalks. And then it rains and turns into a slimy, nasty, no-kidding-people-die traffic hazard before it runs off to the sides of the road. So this is what it looks like:

dried pollen road slime

dried pollen road slime

And it turns out that to a seven year old, that looks AMAZING. He begged for my phone and snapped a few pictures of the amazing mountains he saw on the road. It’s been months, but last night I found those photos and he got really excited. My kid who remembers disturbingly little about life jumped up; he remembered exactly where and why he took them. “Can we edit them?”

Now this kid has three loves in photoshop: Contrast, Color balance, and Liquify (”I’m making it ABSTRACT!”).

Here’s where these went and I have to say it: I genuinely, not-humoring-him, totally really LOVE the way these turned out.

Then he worked on this one until I made him stop and come eat dinner.

He is going to Liquify it tomorrow.

posted by electric boogaloo in It's school! In HOME FORM., Journal and have Comments (3)

New holiday tradition ideas for market testing

August 03, 2005
SUBJ: New holiday tradition

All: As promised here are results of yesterday’s brainstorm meeting, re: new holiday tradition. I will update you after initial focus group.

poop on a stoop
whore on the floor
rat on a hat
elf on a shelf
scotty on the potty
shill on a sill
crook on a book
clark gable on a table
dork on a fork
mouse on a spouse
santa on mylanta
fairy on some dairy
manticora on whatever the hell a manticora wants to be on
basilisk on a compact disk
brownie on a brownie
dwarf on a wharf
gnome on a tome
ass on the grass (as in donkey? + what kind of grass – ask Judy to clarify)
vampire on a lamp wire
troll on a pole
shade on a spade
orc on a fork
witch on a dish
slug on a rug
brave little toaster on a coaster (trademark v?)
hare on a chair
wyvern on a Boston fern
cub in your tub

Let me know if I am missing any of the top ideas that were discussed.


posted by electric boogaloo in Journal and have Comment (1)

There’s bound to be a pony around here someplace

“Graham would you back off and stop doing that!! I can’t stand it. Please leave me alone!”

“Nicolaus? Thank you SO MUCH for rudely griping at me.”

“Don’t be sarcastic. I just need –”

“No, seriously. Thank you! When you did that it made my eyes got a little bit teary and I got to have the experience of looking at the Christmas tree lights with blurry eyes and it looks so beautiful! I’m serious. If you hadn’t done that and kind of yelled a little bit then I never would have seen that. So thank you!”

“Okay, that’s… weird.”

“Seriously next time anyone gripes at you or anything makes you start to cry, run in here and look at the tree. It is AMAZING.”

posted by electric boogaloo in Journal and have No Comments

Stand by for re-grooving

Nobody knows the trouble she's seen

Nobody knows the trouble she's seen

Update 12: So. I’ve got wordpress set up. I have all the URLs pointing where they should. Cleaned up the crazy honkin images folders. Got email addresses up and working. Next:
1. Kill the old host account(s). (done / in progress)
2. Read a bedtime story to my kids, editing out or changing anything I think is sexist. done
3. Consolidate domains onto one registrar for lord’s sake – not done because one domain <60 days old and because I want to avoid any downtime during holidays. Going to hang on until early 2014.
4. Update content in the tabs above
5. Post a funny picture of my dog, who has been lying on the couch next to me and dramatically sighing because her life is so hard.

Update 11: Email accounts! Email accounts for everyone!

Update 10: Got kevinard.com pointed to the right directory. For now it’s very um, minimalist. Excessively so. But we can fancy up the place later on.

Update 9: I am a magical pony princess rock star. Images are fixed. Look at me! This was me when I figured out what to do: I know this!

Update 8: Time to stop and eat some pie.

Update 7: I had to get out paper and sharpies and draw out the map of everything. Really should have done so a few weeks ago. So: I want electricboogaloo.net and tiffanyard.com to take you directly to this blog

kevinard.com will go to a separate page in the blog? Its own blog? A separate web site? An etsy shop? Where should it goooooooo

UPDATE 6: Oh god. Where is the other velociraptor??

UPDATE 5: Wait, why are the images working now? They… I haven’t fixed them yet. There’s a ghost in the system!

UPDATE 4: Every single image or photo throughout the entire blog archive is now broken. I’m making progress!

UPDATE 3: I now have electricboogaloo.net, tiffanyard.com, and kevinard.com pointing to the new server, but things are a barely functioning mess. Now grateful that no one comes here anymore because this would otherwise be embarrassing.

UPDATE 2: Got a smart friend to help me back up, upgrade, and upload wordpress. Only had to send him this video once. Make it go

UPDATE 1: Who made this giant tangled mess?? Oh my god. Need to clean everything up, delete junk, redo wordpress, and generally stop being an idiot.

posted by electric boogaloo in Journal and have No Comments